Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Oh hum....


New Years. At the end of December. oh hum....
my new year began at the end of the harvest season in the fall.

Any how.....

Here is to all those who begin tomorrow their new year.
wishing you all the best of what you need, not your wants.
praying for your clarity in thought
your integrity as you move throughout the worlds
remember your creativity and use it.

reach out to your community and build with them some
thing better for all and have consensus about what
that looks like, share your skills.

my prayer for us.

i got this picture from
inspirationforliving.wordpress.com/ 2008/03/27/10/

Monday, December 22, 2008




Imagine living on the coast of West Africa.
In the warm and cheerful climate of Ghana.
Your hair is short and kinky.
Your eyes are big and beautiful.
Your skin is black and shiny
like the moonless sky on a clear night.
Every day you pray for peace on this earth.

Imagine living in the high mountains of North Vietnam
Surrounded by rice, corn, cassava, and fruit trees.
Your hair is dark and covered with a scarf.
Your eyes are alert and happy.
Your skin is yellow and sparkling
like the very sun that gives us life.
Every day you pray for peace on this earth.

Imagine living in the Amazon rainforest.
In the humid, temperate Brazilian woods.
Your hair is lush and wavy.
Your eyes are curious and grinning.
Your skin is brown and radiant
like the soil that nourishes your crops.
Every day you pray for peace on this earth.

Imagine living in the Arctic Circle.
Enjoying the polar nights of Finland.
Your hair is red and silky smooth.
Your eyes are joyous and light.
Your skin is freckled and white
like a bed of new-fallen snow.
Every day you pray for peace on this earth.

Imagine living in the Navajo Nation.
On the plateaus and in the canyons of the dry Arizona desert.
Your hair is long and dark.
Your eyes are alive and dancing.
Your skin is red and weathered
like the earth of the very land we live on.
Every day you pray for peace on this earth.

Kristi Venditti

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Teaching my self to be still

I know this probably has a lot to do with how i feel. i've known for some time that i should develop/particiapate in some sort of meditative practice.
someone sent me an email with the words of the previous post and i wondered about that. being grateful in the middle of feeling most rejected and alone. what does that look like? being grateful when all i can do is cry for no apparent reason. right now i am hopeful but wary.

Something to think about

Ah my friend, gratitude moves mountains! It is easy to have gratitude when all is well with the world, but when you can call it up in the midst of all your doubts and fears then you truly moved heaven and earth! Gratitude shifts everything, unlocks the doors where there were no doors before... Congratulations! When your sadness, loneliness, and fears come up again (and they will), with a heart of gratitude offer them to the Tree for transformation. Imagine the Tree right there in front of you, with strong and sturdy limbs, with roots that go deep into Mother Earth. Let the Tree sparkle and do its magic for you as you offer up your gratitude for your journey as a human on this planet...

My prayers....



So, I called my therapist, crying. Still waiting for a call back. She is only in on Tue and Thur so I am okay with not getting a call.
Sent out a prayer on the Naraya list. Received much love and support from other Dancers. I am so grateful for those that receive prayers on the list.
Yesterday my friend James came over. We talked about life and what was amazing to me is that even before I put my prayers on the list, they were answered. His coming over to talk was an affirmation to my own thoughts and feelings. I needed someone to talk to, and I think I have found a friend. He told me he really likes the pictures I post with my blog. ( i do too.)

Not really anything specific today. Feeling a bit better. Readjusting my thought process again. Feeling hopeful again.
Grateful today for all the love that comes my way.

Something odd though. Mei is acting all funny, like she did when she would get in a confrontation with Rascal (at Jean's House).
Jennifer says maybe she is just feeling frisky, but i dunno.....I wish I could be her buddy all the time, then she wouldn't get scared when i am gone.

ciao for now.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

i am so sad. been crying alot. don't really know why. i thought my meds were supposed to help with that.

did i say my apartment was haunted?
maybe its just my depression. i can't tell.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Thinking too much? What about feeling too much?


i am tired. i am tired of always being afraid. i am tired of always thinking the worst. i am tired of being cold and feeling isolated.
moving into my own place hasn't been a good idea so far. my cat and i are both depressed.
i don't trust anyone and i am not like that. i think my apartment is haunted. weird energy floating around and i don't like it.

i really miss the support i got from my roommate Jean. I let my conflicted feelings move me out of a really supportive situation. i miss having someone who is my friend to talk to about my feelings. of having someone share their feelings with me. i miss being real with someone other than my girlfriend. and even that has been difficult lately. she said she got signed up to see someone but is she just telling me that to keep me from taking a time out? maybe i do need a time out.

but i am not going to do that as i am in a pretty shaky place right now. being alone isn't going to help.
i miss my Friend Jean, whom I used to live with.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Message for Christapooh

For some reason your email address isn't in my addy book anymore.
Send it to me?
Love ya!
RS

Sunday, November 30, 2008

My regular blog and my adult blog.

I was thinking the other day that I need to have a different blog about things of adult nature and I have come up with a new blog for that.
If you want to read that blog send me an email and I will give you the address.
I won't go into too many details but will talk about my feelings and how it changes how i interact with the world.

Thanks for reading.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Turkey and genocide.

I often wonder why we as a nation celebrate Thanksgiving and Columbus Day. My girlfriend mentioned that today this holiday isn't so much about sharing food with the Indians of America but about sharing food with family and spending time together.
Why have such a holiday with such memories of Europeans. If it wasn't for the natives they probably would have starved.
Maybe that's it. But I really just don't get why it is such a big deal today.
And as far as Columbus. Well, they did prove he wasn't the first to come here and "discover" a new land right? So why are we still celebrating his discovery?

I spent the day with my sweetie and her friends Tim and Teresa. They invited us to go have turkey with their family, they happen to own a successful bar here in NoPo and I found myself transported back to some of the more interesting times when I was a child. I asked myself earlier while sleep deprived from my job, really? your going to spend thanksgiving at a bar with a bunch of people you don't know? yep. i did. my sweetie asked me to go. it was a little different as the bar was closed and there were not many people. here i had been avoiding my childhood triggers for so long.........

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Just thoughts.....


Recently I told my therapist that I was not going to transition as I think with my history and age the health risks are just too great. I don't want to have a heart attack and its not like I can't be a boy in some other capacity. I guess maybe I wasn't really gender dysphoric just curious about what it would be like. I applaud those friends of mine who are trans who have gone after what they thought would make them happy. I just don't know if it would make my life any easier.
Although I am trying to change the way I interact with the world by trying to be of service more. Trouble is I don't get that many oppertunities to do so. I am reaching out to people of alternitive lifestyles and have met with someone for the first time. I am definatly curious to go back and try other things. I won't go into details lets just say I had a hard time reaching into the fridge.
It was different but fun.

Its all gloomy in NoPo today. I was going to go see my gramma down in Salem but I just don't have the money for gas. It sucks. She is like 83 or something. Sleeps a lot. I like to see her as often as I can. I would also like to be able to go see my brother up in Longview but again, no money for gas. Visiting him is kinda more important as my gram has lots of grand kids to come visit and Tony only has me.

Friday, November 21, 2008

thoughts for today

FELLOWSHIP- When communal bonds unite a group of people, great success is possible. But such bonds can develop only when personal interests are subjugated to goals which carry in them the essential virtues of humanity. The broader the basis for action, the greater the good which can be achieved. And conversely, the greater the potential good, the more powerful the support behind it. A spirit of cooperation steadies the boat, but it helps to have a beautiful island to row towards.

Learn to respect the strength in diversity, for a community's true power lies not in its numbers, but in the diverse skills and resources of its members. Just as the stoutest walls are reinforced with many different materials, so the strongest groups allow differences to coexist inside the whole.

With a unified group solidly behind you, even very difficult enterprises can be attempted without great risk.


Spirit, when I have food,
help me to remember the hungry.
When I have work,
help me to remember the jobless.
When I have a warm home,
help me to remember the homeless.
When I am with pain, help me to remember those who suffer.
And, remembering, help me
to destroy my complacency
and bestir my compassion.
Make me concerned enough to help,
by word and deed, those who cry out
for what we take for granted.

Samuel F. Pugh

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I love my cat, my girlfriend and my butt plug

Not in that order of course.
Ha feeling spunky although I haven't slept enough from working.
went to a discussion last night about open relationships and being kinky. also went the night before about one for "vanilla" folk. I liked it a lot. It will help me in the future and now about asking for what I want. If your are interested the discussion was by Tristian Taormino. She just put out a new book titled ~opening up, a guide creating and sustaining open relationships. Really good book and excellent timing for me.

I keep trying to negotiate with JF but she is still pretty resistant.
need, want and desire are starting to win..........

rs

Monday, November 10, 2008

Settling in.....

I am almost unpacked and things are in their place. Mei is sticking close by me and wanting to go in and out often.

I am really enjoying putting things up on the wall and putting up shelves. There are a couple of projects in the basement that I can work on. Wood things.

Things are going smoothly at work although I did work almost a 12hr.day on Friday. Whew! The office sent a large order on the wrong day and on Satyr-day I had to make it again.

The Lead that is leaving in January at the bakery told me that I was going to be the Lead when she leaves. I am excited about that but think I should take a class or two like a managment class and a math class. Maybe it will help me be a better baker.
I worry about losing my temper sometimes and I know it is unproductive at work to do that but am unsure as to what tools to use for that particulsar character deffext.

Just finished reading a book by James Frey~A Million Little Pieces.
I thought it was unrealistic as I know he would have been kicked out of the treatment centers I have been in. And the whole mafia thing.........really dude?
hafta be pretty random to actually meet someone like that.

till next time
rs

Prayers I have read recently.

Millennium schmillennium--
the time is Now
Are you waiting for The Revolution?
kickin' back too busy tired
like, consciousness is really gonna track you down
beneath 9 to 5 and compromise
knocking on your door with 2 tickets to
The New Jerusalem.
On your feet!
Stretch
walk 'n' pray
carry
Your Love
to
the streets
and smile!
Millenniums happen in a
stride
a choice
a gesture
Now.

Danielle LaPorte

May my heart and ears be open to feel and understand the wise whisperings of my spirit guides.
May my eyes be wide open to see new opportunities.
May I create once again an abundant life in a gentle way.
May I always remember to be humble and grateful.
May patience, and simple wisdom be my companions at all times.
May I be like hardy prairie grass happily bending, twisting and turning to the whim of the changing winds.
May abundance of all kinds flow my way and to all of my relations."

Pablo


In the name of the daybreak
and the eyelids of morning
and the wayfaring moon
and the night when it departs,

I swear I will not dishonor
my soul with hatred,
but offer myself humbly
as a guardian of nature,
as a healer of misery,
as a messenger of wonder,
as an architect of peace.

In the name of the sun and its mirrors
and the day that embraces it
and the cloud veils drawn over it
and the uttermost night
and the male and the female
and the plants bursting with seed
and the crowning seasons
of the firefly and the apple,

I will honor all life--
wherever and in whatever form
it may dwell--on Earth my home,
and in the mansions of the stars.

Diane Ackerman

________

Thursday, November 6, 2008

My Samhain experience....and moving....

I went down wanting to once again connect with my community and feel grounded in ritual. I brought buckets to the land for compost. I helped cook. I tried to join others in conversation. No one said thank you for the buckets. I did get thanked for rolling flat bread. Almost every conversation I tried to join I ended up feeling left out(no connection?)
I didn't connect with community or feel grounded in ritual. I left feeling regretful and like I missed something.
I did try. I even spent some time with myself this time. I do tend to just blurt things out at the wrong moment often but I felt as if it didn't matter if I was there or not. It mattered to me, but others didn't seem to care.

That is not why I go to the land. I probably won't go back for a while. Maybe to Naraya.
Should have gone to the procession on Alberta Street and ritual at Newberry House.
damn.
why did the person i had been writing to in Seattle and getting ready to meet have to be someones partner that I know and respect but don't want to cross that boundry with right now?
why did i let that matter so much that i didn't go?

Moving into my new place went smoothly. My boss let me use the van from work to move.
Yay! Not done with unpacking. Also have to move things around a bit as I realized this morning that I had put the head of my bed right next to the stairs.

feels good to have my own space. I hope my kitty likes it too. I hope she gets to like living in her own space. This morning she seemed lonely when I got home from work. She was sitting by the door when I got home, wondering what to do maybe?

ciao for now
roran

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

W'fang passes along today's
PRAYER FOR PEACE:

calling on the spirits of the ancients
calling on the wise ones of the past
illuminate the vision of the people
help us keep our feet upon the path

calling on the spirits of the future
calling on the wise ones yet to come
send courage to the present generation
help us find the strength to carry on

calling on the guardians of the planet
calling on all people now alive
with vision of the past and memory of the future
claiming our power to survive

- charlie murphy

Thursday, October 30, 2008



poetic journal?

do i dare go after the thing i want or do i go after the same ole' thing?
should i stay in portland for samhain or go to WC. what do i want any way?

what is it like to be in a social situation that could lead to the plethora of changes percolating in my soul?

scared to get close, even a little bit, to that elder i look up to.
how do you navigate a healthy friendship with someone that triggers you?
(how deep is the trigger?) how do you navigate?

am i swimming or letting the tide take me and rock me? i want to drown in sensation and be driven over the edge.

i want a connection with something larger than myself. leading me out of my paranoid mind and leaving the skills that don't serve, behind me and no longer keeping me held captive to his-tory...history...hi-story.

i want to write and develop the dreams i have into stories that resonate and help You remember some core origin with in yourself.
how do you navigate?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Day of the Dead pictures I like


TODAY'S PRAYER FOR PEACE

Be generous in prosperity and thankful in adversity.
Be fair in thy judgment, and guarded in thy speech.
Be a lamp unto those who walk in darkness,
and a home to the stranger.
Be eyes to the blind,
and a guiding light unto the feet of the erring.
Be a breath of life to the body of humankind,
a dew upon the soil of the human heart,
and a fruit upon the tree of humility.

Baha'i Prayer for Peace

Sunday, October 19, 2008

A prayer from Sol Shanti

we pray that you may be your hearts desire as well. may you freely release all things in your life that are blocking your connection to spirit and joyfully embrace these changing times - they are a whirlwind of release, re balance and returning to the center - to the heart of love from which we all came. we love you... may you be blessed with peace joy and love and abundance of whatever you desire to assist you in your transmutation. may the violet fire burn within your hearts minds spirits lands - america - turtle island - gaia and cleanse all energies which strayed from alignment with love - back to source!


Sol is a Naraya Dancer. He and his family need your prayers, pray for things to be seen clearly and for what they really intend. That his friend growing herbal plants be released and charges dropped. That the land they live on continues to thrive.

Thank you.

Mei? you still there?

Yes! Mei is still with me. I was reading some old blogs and realized I hadn't written anything about her in a while. Since she went missing I realize that I can't let her go. I love her too much. She is the best teddy bear(besides Thomas, my first bear)
She is not so sick now. I have been giving her meds. I thought I wouldn't be able to give her meds everyday, but I love her lots.........

Is it worth it? And other news....


Is it worth it? Losing love to be a whole person? Is losing love worth having a life changing experience? Is the transformation I have been seeking since last year worth losing the best relationship I have ever had?
I pray daily that I don't lose my girl to this, but I may have to.
Because yes, being a whole person is worth it. And yes, changing how I interact with the world by giving my control to someone else is worth it.

My reasons for seeking out a "relationship" that allows me to not be in control, to give up the wheel to someone else.......so many layered. I think my right to learn how to yield to someone else was taken from me when I was very young and now I have to actively pursue it in order to....be whole, have my interactions with the world maybe be a bit easier, have the world not be so hard to me in other ways. This is what I hope for. I have a big personality and some times, in my work life, especially I have such a hard time. I don't know how to not take the wheel. I want to learn that. I am tired of driving all the time. I want someone else to drive......
but losing love. i am praying and letting it go right now. It is all I can do.

Other news: Come January 1st 2009 I will be the senior baker where I work. (in my area) The young newlyweds are moving back to Nevada to start a bakery there. Yay!!
I am bummed though, as we were just getting it all smoothed out.
ciao for now

Friday, October 17, 2008

Sometimes I feel like this..........


...its so peaceful looking. and yet am i trapped or just swimming?

I have been gathering documents to present to a background check so that I may volunteer at SMYRC. I understand why they would need one, but gee, it is bringing up a lot of stuff for me. Shame, frustration, grateful not to live that life anymore.

My job is kicking my ass. I often wonder what the hell I am killing myself for. So tired and sore. Makes me grumpy. I stated when I first got that job that I would start going to acupuncture and working out but I haven't done it yet. I know it would make me feel better but I keep procrastinating around it. Plus I am just too tired to cook and shop for food most of the week.

Monday, October 13, 2008


anticipation is making me crazy.

well not really. i found that i jumped the gun and now most of my things are packed and in the garage. still over 2weeks before i move. guess i got excited huh?

trying to figure out if i should just skip going to WC for festival.
i missed Beltane too, so maybe that is why i am anxious to go.....do i really need to go sleep in cold weather, eat lots of legumes and vegetables and stand around the fire gathering the balls to walk back to my camp? i have a feeling it is going to be cold. the weather here in P-town tells me so.
I don't really need to go but i would like it, see friends, wait...do i have friends there? um...i think so....some people have so many "friends" that they forget to write.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

TODAY'S PRAYERS FOR PEACE

Pray to whoever you kneel down to:
Jesus nailed to his wooden or marble or plastic cross,
his suffering face bent to kiss you,
Buddha still under the Bo tree in scorching heat,
Adonai, Allah, raise your arms to Mary
that she may lay her palm on our brows,
to Shekinhah, Queen of Heaven and Earth,
to Inanna in her stripped descent.

Hawk or Wolf, or the Great Whale, Record Keeper
of time before, time now, time ahead, pray. Bow down
to terriers and shepherds and siamese cats.
Fields of artichokes and elegant strawberries.

Pray to the bus driver who takes you to work,
pray on the bus, pray for everyone riding that bus
and for everyone riding buses all over the world.
If you haven't been on a bus in a long time,
climb the few steps, drop some silver, and pray.

Waiting in line for the movies, for the ATM,
for your latté and croissant, offer your plea.
Make your eating and drinking a supplication.
Make your slicing of carrots a holy act,
each translucent layer of the onion, a deeper prayer.

Make the brushing of your hair
a prayer, every strand its own voice,
singing in the choir on your head.
As you wash your face, the water slipping
through your fingers, a prayer: Water,
softest thing on earth, gentleness
that wears away rock.

Making love, of course, is already a prayer.
Skin and open mouths worshipping that skin,
the fragile case we are poured into,
each caress a season of peace.

If you're hungry, pray. If you're tired.
Pray to Gandhi and Dorothy Day.
Shakespeare. Sappho. Sojourner Truth.
Pray to the angels and the ghost of your grandfather.

When you walk to your car, to the mailbox,
to the video store, let each step
be a prayer that we all keep our legs,
that we do not blow off anyone else's legs.
Or crush their skulls.
And if you are riding on a bicycle
or a skateboard, in a wheel chair, each revolution
of the wheels a prayer that as the earth revolves
we will do less harm, less harm, less harm.

And as you work, typing with a new manicure,
a tiny palm tree painted on one pearlescent nail
or delivering soda or drawing good blood
into rubber-capped vials, writing on a blackboard
with yellow chalk, twirling pizzas, pray for peace.

With each breath in, take in the faith of those
who have believed when belief seemed foolish,
who persevered. With each breath out, cherish.

Pull weeds for peace, turn over in your sleep for peace,
feed the birds for peace, each shiny seed
that spills onto the earth, another second of peace.
Wash your dishes, call your mother, drink wine.

Shovel leaves or snow or trash from your sidewalk.
Make a path. Fold a photo of a dead child
around your VISA card. Gnaw your crust
of prayer, scoop your prayer water from the gutter.
Mumble along like a crazy person, stumbling
your prayer through the streets.

pray for peace - ellen bass

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Yay! MY OWN SPACE!!


I just received word that I will be able to rent a cozy studio here in North Portland.
Not only is it my own space( !!! ) which I have never had, but it is owned by a fairy friend that has helped me out a time or two with a place to stay.
Thank you Spirits!!
(plus i am sure my cat will be much happier when there are not other cats who go around pouncing on her in the middle of the night!)

Finally. Been wanting this for a while.
till next time
RS

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Things are getting better in my world.



That includes work and my depression. I started taking anti depressants again and that seems to be working. Now if I could only get and stay asleep!! 4hours of sleep is just not enough. 'Specially with the work I do.
I recently realized that part of my depression has to do with just how messed up the world is. Instead of wondering what was wrong with me I just accepted it and moved on. Its helped a lot.
I still feel pretty distant from my community. But I really do need to take care of myself first.
I went to a S.M.R.Y.C. volunteer orientation last week. I need to wait for the background check to come back before I commit any more time. I have a suspicion I have an old bicycle ticket from Berkeley that may mess it up.
Ciao for now

Friday, September 26, 2008

Feeling lazy and restless....


How is that possible? I find myself feeling frisky with no outlet.
grrr. dreaming of something I have never experienced. okay time to be a bit naughty.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

dreams and half remembered 'mares.....




they all blend together at some point. i remember flying, the muscles in my back flexing to the movement of wings, realizing i was flying and spiraling down in to the ground. The pitbull barking like mad trying to snap and bite.

i remember a great tunnel, swirling grey and white. At the end an eye peering at me. one of my daemons looking for me. the same creature, wandering through a forest of dense trees. wandering, alone and bitter for many long times. two different dreams.

i remember looking at her from far off, another lover in her arms. some one she knows.

i remember falling into nothing. the vast emptiness. my suit not working. falling away from planets and stars.

dreams are seeds for fantastic stories.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

excerpts from books i have read

'you have to live deliberately. you can't just sleepwalk throughout life hoping that someday you'll get around to doing what you really want to do.
that someday you'll realize your dreams. living always has to start from now.
*dream your dreams. you have dreams to look forward to. with them your soul will bloom."*
justina robinson ( *'s are mine, changed the wording a bit)

'one of those moments had arrived: Jack had been presented with the opportunity to be stupid in some way that was much more interesting than being shrewd would have been" neal stephenson

'for he has no humor boy. he does not see that we all do what we must to survive, some laugh, some cry, some bang the world with fists,some run.
but it all sums up the same: they make do.'
ray bradbury

'our greatest glory consists not in never falling down, but in rising in every time we fall'
ralph waldo emerson or Confucius

Saturday, September 20, 2008

no subject

i read recently that if you want to be a writer then just write......

bleh. bleh bleh bleh. reading a lot. watching movies on my computer.
no one sent me an email about my birthday. screw you. who cares? the only people who said happy birthday to me were my girlfriend and my roommate.

hey what are friends for? i even dropped hints. i don't think i have friends. no one calls or wants to hang out. i am tired of always showing up on their doorsteps looking to hang out...but i want friends to do things with. go places. watch movies.

love you but you all are so wrapped up and busy with your lives. no one at a certain house i used to live in calls me....
i want friends who mean more than an occasional hug.

love you
love, me

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

wait a minute.........

did i say awkward? no actually i am not good at communicating.
sometimes i just flake out and don't call or can't come up with a concrete feeling or simply am just not able to be there. that's a human being for ya!

all i could do last night was repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over again at work. the new guy(not me) is training the new guy and the way i saw it was someone is out of there so i asked my boss if he was going to fire me and and he looked at me and said in that accent he has -you crazy?- I nodded my head yes, of course........

okay, so it feels good that he likes my work but now i need to work on social skills at work. some environments its just easy, others it's not.....now that is awkward.
stupid me i told someone i don't know that well that i was trans and now i wonder why some workers won't even look at me or say good morning although they do to the guy right across from me. invisible hurts.

TOOOOO HOT!!!!! Too hot! too hot! can't sleep in my room for work, sunside in the afternoon, no insulation in my room. i asked my roommate about it and was told i would have to move out of my room for that to happen. I understand, but what a drag. too hot! TOO HOT! too hot! maybe i will just make a nice cool bed in the basement....:-)

exercise helps but still depressed......

Monday, September 15, 2008

Managing things.........

Started working out with a personal trainer last week on Friday. Except for the day I didn't have an exercise ball I have been doing it everyday. An acquaintance of mine is moving out of town today and she gave me a really nice exercise ball. Thanks A.!
I am really committed to feeling better. I think exercise will help a lot. Not just me either, I am sure it is good for everyone.

I saw a wonderful video of Isaac's first time at the beach. When I watched it, it brought tears to my eyes as his joy was so beautiful. Thanks S.W.! and M.K.!

My new job has been challenging. I want to share my experience but it is not wanted or recognized. Okay......don't know what to say. Not going to give tips? No, that would be not good for me in some way.

Been feeling bad about not being able to be present with parts of my community. I am learning how to vocalize when I need to take care of myself.....it is not difficult but awkward.

Not much else I can write about without completely sharing too much on this page.
ciao for now

Monday, September 1, 2008

Welcome to September




Here is a sky chart for Sep 2008. Not sure what region.
Also a picture from a calender for September.

GO VIRGOS!!

Rainy morning...and evening too.

does any one besides me feel manipulated when someone cries? I know it all depends on the circumstances but I feel that way a lot. I am tired of it. F-ing grow up is what I want to say but don't because I don't want to be a total asshole. Get over it. In 6months or so my work schedule will change and then.....well who knows?

My roommate has been gone to burning man for 2weeks and she is due back tomorrow. I have enjoyed having the house to myself. Now I really want to live alone! Really must get on that Ready to Rent class.
I have been taking care of her two cats, Camille and Rascal. Today I emptied the kitty box and that brand she uses is absolutely disgusting.
Wheat-something. Its compost-able. Its GROSS! I use Pine for my kitty and it doesn't smell or clump up to look like vomit.

Well I need to get some batteries for my camera so I can post more photos. I love my blog. It is a lot of fun.
ciao for now

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I miss the music

It was nice having the playlist in my page as it would load whenever I opened my page.
Did anyone have any problems from it?
Done working at the bakery for the week. Grr. Talk about disorganized. I think I may only keep this job long enough to get some experience in and then look for a baking job that has medical coverage. Other wise, it seems to frustrating to contemplate.
more next time
RS

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Oaks Park


Well I had fun, he wanted to go back up.Turned right around to head up the ramp. Really only stopped when I said we had to wait in line again. But he was up to the challenge of climbing back.
RS
oh took off the music cause i was worried that a virus might attach itself to the music thread and didn't want my friends to get corrupted.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Feeling blue....

I was at work getting ready to get off for the day and out of no where I was bummed out and moody. Grr. I am really sick of this sort of thing.

On the up side.
Its funny how when you make a decision around something and things seem to move and flow. I saw someone I know come in to eat and asked her if she still had a studio for working out. I even told her that I don't make that much money but want to start working out. She said that was fine. So, going to call her soon.

I posted some moody music by Chopin while thinking about the rain and the ride to work tonight.

Ciao for now

Saturday, August 23, 2008

aha! figured it out...

cool now i can share songs that i like with you.......
let me know what you think. leave a comment.
if you don't like the song just hit the pause button with your mouse or click on a different one.

a day off...

slept in this mornging. got up to feed the kitties.
caffine-ated sitting in front of the daily computer stuff. feeeling inspired to write, have yet to figure out what my medium is to write......

wishing i could post a song on this blog. rediscovered some Lucinda Williams.....her songs have touched me for a long time now........

got rid of my mohawk. didn't think it looked good any way........

did i say male bodied? sometimes i wonder if gender really matters at all. like born gender...who cares....its what you do with what you got.....me..i go from one to the other.. its not like water...its like water hitting rocks and then flowing around..

i read bear boy's letter today. i want to read it to my brother. to touch his heart.

lots of stuff to do around the house today. getting rid of some material items i have collected. i do that a lot. collect things and then get rid of them. i am a finder. always have been. i have found that i feel anxious when i have too much stuff. comes from living outside i think.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

oh yeah........

I forgot to mention that I got a new job.
I work graveyard at a bakery 3 nights per week. I have to be at work tonight.
So far it hasn't been that confusing trying to work at night. But I tell ya..my sleep is sure getting tossed around!!

Still feelng pissy.........

So I know this is a public blog. But I am pretty lazy about writing in my journal. I have been trying to figure out how to write things but not write too much or get too personal. I guess it all depends on how comfortable I am about a stranger reading my blog. Since I randomly tell strangers things about me I don't see much difference.

I have decided to go back on meds for depression. I have also decided that I am going to call Reid Vanderburg and talk to him about my gender switching. Not sure yet how that is going to play out.
My girlfriend and I....well we are trying some things out and she doesn't want to know about them until after its happened and she doesn't want to meet the male bodied person I may be interested in....she would rather I see some one just randomly rather that someone in my community and I don't think that is right for me......
It is hard being bisexual. Maybe a person who wants both is just deluding themselves into thinking......
any body ever read this thing? leave a commment or something.

Monday, August 18, 2008

living in more than one dimension

in my dream i was a solider and i was a woman, i can remember setting traps for people, there was explosives but no guns. (was i a woman?) i remember looking through some mirror/telescope out of bamboo i had made and i saw the person we were trying to trap, he tripped the wire and there was a big boom. he was injured but not dead. i look over to the small cottage and wonder why he didn't stop there.

flash.......

i am standing on the wall over looking the area, my uniform is on. there is another solider standing not far away on the wall. his uniform is tan and there is an old gun slung across his back. there are trees and vegetation along and over the wall.
my lover comes bounding along the wall to give me a kiss. he is very carefree. he is wearing a uniform as well. his movements are free and flowing.
the other solider sees us kiss.

i am shot for loving.

funny dream.
all the uniforms are not from this time.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Isaac & I at the Park


Got to see Isaac today. Such a HAPPY guy. His mom's parents are visiting at the end of the month. Then maybe we all will go to Oaks Park and have some fun.
RS

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Feeling Pissy this Morning


Went out to a show last night. A benifit for someone arrested during the Green Scare.
Crazy non music going on. Really irritated the person I am dating.

I am feeling like wanting to just tell everyone to go away. I don't have the energy or the patience sometimes to give to others in my life. Sometimes I think I am just being selfish and other times I think its a part of my evolution. Sometimes I feel trapped.
grrr.

feeling pissy.

Friday, August 8, 2008

My brother Tony


This is my older half brother. this picture was taken when I took him to go see gramma down in Salem. As I have been lying here trying to sleep to get ready for a working interview at 1am(yes its a baker position) I have been worrying about him and trying to figure out how to make his life better. My brother was adopted when I was very young. I am not sure how his accident happened but I know my brother was not born the way he is now. After many foster homes and group homes (I am angry my mother sent him away!) he now lives on his own in Longview. I am very upset as my brother is lonely, his house is not a home and no one has shown him how to do that. If you read this, please take a moment to envision my brother and surround him with love and light. Ask his angels to banish his daemons, pray for him to let forgiveness into his heart because it is eating him up inside. He spends what little money he has on beer and really cheap cigarettes.(man do they stink!) I saw him recently and he hasn't done laundry in a while. I don't know what to do for him except try to be his friend. It is hard, I don't know him very well. I just recently found him and the way he lives makes me very sad.
Please pray for my brother. That the people who are his support staff take care of him better. That they find in their hearts that he is not just another case number and really pay attention to what his life has become. His life has been one of many disappointments and I don't want to be another. Please pray that I can improve the quality of his life. Please pray that I can be the person he can count on. That I can love him no matter what. That he finds love and hope in his heart again. And joy.
Thanks.
RS

My sweetie & me in a river



This is at the Washougal Fish Hatchery in Washington. Wow! What a nice place to swim.Thanks Liam!!

Cobbing with Myshkin(Mitchken) at Gypsy Cafe



I did some cobbing on the wimmins land while I was at the gathering. What nice folks. There was also a show at their place. Wimmins music. hmmmm.
While I was at the gathering I learned about skinning deer, ate some deer jerky, learned how to scrap off hair from a deer hide, learned how to slaughter squab and quail and then ate the birds I killed. Yum. very tasty. I also fixed some things on the land, the solar shower floor had some holes. So did some bridges. Fixed those too. I hope to start a fund for the human compost situation at WC, but don't know how to get that started yet. I suppose a material list would be a good place to start. Till next time.RS

This is me at one of the many lovely waterfalls in The Gorge.
My roommate took this picture.
More pictures to come from visiting the Washougal Fish Hatchery

Monday, August 4, 2008

I am back from Wolf Creek

I learned some cool stuff but forgot to take any pictures. More later.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Something I wanted to share.....

What is Queer Magic?
*
Queer magic doesn't just happen on the Full Moon.

It's not just about driving hundreds of miles out to the woods to
drum and chant wearing glitter and feather boas and flowing rayon
garments.

Queer magic is everything we do.

Whether we're digging a hole, touching a lover, building an altar,
making a website, or dressing for dinner—whatever we do with our
whole hearts is queer magic.

Queer magic drips from our fingers. It's the music that plays as we
move through the world. It's the divine creativity that flows through
us and makes everything we touch burst into beauty.

Queer magic comes from being "othered" in our sexuality and our
gender and our spirituality and our view of the world. It comes from
being told that we're freaks—and deciding for ourselves that's OK.
It makes us turn inside and to each other for guidance, instead of
to the TV and the government and the church.

Queer magic transforms sexuality from something hidden and
shameful into a transcendent force that pulses through our hearts
and out the crowns of our heads. It makes gender into sacred
masquerade, and shows us our divine nature in the mirror of our
beloveds' faces.

It makes us comfortable with transgression and paradox—living
antidotes to conformity and binary dualism. It finds us at home on
the threshold and in the grey areas. It lets us play together in a realm
outside of scarcity stories and hierarchies of dominance.

Queer magic often calls us to certain roles: artist, shaman, clown,
healer, witch, priest, diva. But whatever roles we play—however
flamboyant or modest our style—queer magic means expressing our
authentic selves in everything we do.

It's what makes us unique. It's what makes us human. It's what
makes us queer.

~Stella Maris(C.C.)

Going to be out of town

i am leaving tomorrow for the Wolf Creek to participate in the Permaculture Skillshare.
I will return Aug 3rd.
Till then'

Grrrr.

so i am leaving for a week starting sunday. i am really glad i get to go. i can barely afford to go but I am going anyway. Yah! Back to Wolf Creek. Whew. maybe i can find a bit of clarity around the Tree.
See you soon, with pictures of course.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

My tattoo is complete



And just last night I thought to myself now that my tattoo is complete I shall use no substances. And yet my roommate offered me something and I am very tempted to smoke it.
I like it, but is it good for me?

I have had several people tell me they see the lion face in my tattoo. But guess what?!
That isn't a lion face. It is a spirit face and I haven't been told her name yet.
I realized during this tattoo that I have a lot of stuff I am not dealing with. Mainly by how I dealt with the pain of it.

Mei came home!!

I prayed that she had food and water and a safe place to be and this morning someone was knocking on my door to ask if Mei was my cat. Thank you Spirit.
I have always had a hard time with Mei as I learned after adopting her that she is very needy. I am learning to not be impatient with those who have bigger needs than what I am used to.
Thank you Spirit for bringing Mei back to me. I hope I am worthy of her trust.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Check out this free event this Satryday

Check out this highly groovy event happening this Saturday:

Water in the Desert
A Festival of Art, Ritual, Performance, & Ecology
Saturday, 07/26 1-9 PM
Peninsula Park (NE Albina and Rosa Parks)

I'm especially psyched about the Butoh version of Midsummer Night's Dream,
performed amidst the roses in Peninsula Park, and featuring Faeries and
friends of Faeries in the cast.


This year features a Butoh adaptation of "a Midsummer Night's Dream"
that consists of the most eclectic, stellar all-star cast! The
performance will be performed in the mazes of Roses, with an equally
Worthy DayStage full of wondrous and diverse treats. World renowned
Butoh Dance Company, Harupin-Ha (japan/san francisco) will be
returning again this year.

AND IT IS ALL FREE!!!

On the STAGE:
1:00 pm M.One (spoken word/trip hop/electronic)
2:15 pm The World?s Greatest Ghosts (power pop)
3:15 pm Miriam Burke (javanese court dance)
3:30 pm TeetH (contemporary dance)
4:15 pm Day of the Zombie: Zombie Rock Opera
5:30 pm Adam Hurst with Dominique Garcia

6:30 pm
Community Gathering, Observance,
and Procession to the Theatre

ROSE GARDEN Theatre:
7:00 pm Harupin-Ha Butoh Theatre
7:30 pm A Midsummer Nights Dream
a Butoh adaptation

The Mission of Water in the Desert is to create an annual, multi-
media, participatory event that is site-specific, free to the public,
and that both integrates & celebrates the power of Art, Ritual,
Performance, & Ecology. We are inspired by the spectrum of expression
from across the globe and the multiple ways that communities come
together to share in the human experience. Our intention is to produce
a festival of creations that are in dialogue with our natural
resources & rhythms, highlighting revolving contemporary social and
ecological topics, with a consistent emphasis on the essential element
of water.

Mei Mei has gone missing!




I am not sure what to think about it. Maybe she knows I can't take care of her and she is trying to find a new home. Maybe she is just sick and confused. The last interaction I had with her I had to give her a really big pill. She was not happy.
I love Mei very much, but I don't know how to give her all she needs. I hope she is okay.

What a nice party.

Jennifer's friends came over. All 3 of them. They brought a peach pie and some pasta dish that was yummy. Not long after they left, my friends showed up. They brought salmon, deviled eggs, chips and made snickerdoodle cookies in my oven. We sat around the wonderful fire pit my roommate created in the back yard and had a mellow evening.

Looking forward to going to Wolf Creek for 5 days. I hope I learn lots.
ciao for now
roran

Friday, July 18, 2008

Life is amazing and frustrating....

I didn't think I would actually get a check from the goverment. Amazing that it happened. I wonder if I will believe in the establishment more now that I have proof of it exitsting. hmmmmm

I am so grateful to be a part of a community that believes in Spirit and love and that we all have a choice on how we live our lives.
the frustration part comes from not implementing those changes and walking down the same road no matter how many times I fall in the hole. Geez! Time to walk down a different street. hmmmm. how do i do that? maybe when I find myself responding to a situation and I start to choose the response I normally do, I should stop and try something else.
i've "known" this in my head for a long time, but have yet to allow my heart to know.

hey.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

something i wanted to share

I have been on a Naraya prayer list since I got back, and after I read this message I shouted out, laughed a little and almost cried with the recognition of my own feelings mirrored in my community. I have been feeling so restless with waiting for things to come together in my life. I didn't include the prayer requests with this post and I edited some parts of this message for anonimity and brevity but I thought it was important to pass along.
Blessings.




The synchronicities between them(prayers) is uncanny, revealing some underlying patterns. It is a confirmation of the global changes that are visiting us. It feels to me that Great Mystery is touching our lives in ways that have never happened before, especially for those who are the sensitives, the empaths, the ones who invite in change.
I realize that a number of us with eyes to see are feeling the disquiet, discomfort, unease.....I am getting that it is not only about our ever-evolving personal human lives, but it is also about big shifts in our global lives. While the disquiet may feel uncomfortable, it is still an auspicious sign that things are moving, and we are at a crossroads of sorts.

.....at this time of the Full Moon I encourage you to simply listen to how the winds are blowing, and perhaps a message will come to you. Perhaps it is about your life, but perhaps it's something much bigger. I think that what some of us are sensing is a foretelling of changes that have already begun. I am encouraged to read that both *** and *** are taking care of themselves and following their innate intuition and reconnecting with Mother Earth and the waters for guidance, healing and support!

May we pray that we take this opportunity to summon up our compassion and understanding for the brothers and sisters around us.... may we pray that we can reach out to the young ones and be the bridge that will lift them up on their journey to the seventh generation.

The crossroads we face is whether we will succumb to going numb to the personal and global changes around us now, or whether we can move and bend with them as the Tree of Life does when the winds blow. We acknowledge the feelings of disquiet and perhaps fear, but we summon up our courage to continue down our path by living in the now, redirecting the fear, and embracing gratitude for our connectedness to sustain and nourish us.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

लूकिंग फॉर अ रीड तो वोल्फ क्रीक

Okay so that post title says Looking for a ride to Wolf Creek. i am not sure why it does that sometimes..cool looking though.

Greetings all you lovelys....
I am looking for a ride to Wolf Creek on Sat the 26th of July to go to the skillshare.
Not that much stuff to bring. Limited gas funds.
Thanks and feel free to repost.
Blessings
Roran

Thursday, July 10, 2008

About Work

Well I turned down a job at Old Wives tales today. As some of you know I really want out of the food business. I turned it down as I know that the woman who owns that place is hard to work for, but I was really stressing about being able to pay rent/utilities so I turned in my resume.
Another reason I turned it down is I have a second interview at 1-800-got-junk. Thank you Mama Joey!! I would get to be a helper doing something I am already good at (finding stuff) and I would get to be away from food. The person who intereviewed me said it can be really gross sometimes but hey....I spent enough time in dumpsters to know what that looks like.

Done for now.
Roran

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Tattoo




So I had him change a couple of things from red to black.
The next session will be the orange and yellow.
Yeah.

Check out this and other events at

WWW.Nomenus.org
click on other events.

Grow your own FOOD! Make your own things!!

PASS - Permaculture and Sustainable Skillshare Gathering

at the Wolf Creek Radical Faerie Sanctuary

July 27th - August 3rd, 2008

Calling designers, permaculturists, and earth lovers to an
intentional container for sharing sustainable skills and
designing Permaculture Systems
Sharing Sustainable Skills
Food Storage, Spinning, Tanning, Natural Building, Compost, Rewilding
Designing Permaculture Systems
Waste Management, Grey Water, Spring Water,
Integrated Food Systems, Alternative Energy

With gas prices getting so out of control our food supply is only going to get more expensive.
I think I should start learning how to grow my own food. I really wish I could live somewhere that is like a village and we all barter for our needs. I want to farm, do art and live simply.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Yah!Yah!Yah!

I don't know I don't know I just don't know.

Yeah, thats how life is right now. Trying to figure out what to do about work even though I have a part time job. Trying to figure out my relationship.....trying to figure out my gender issues.

on the other hand.

Got done with most of my new tattoo on sunday. Yah!! Yah!!
Axis@ritual ink is a good friend and a wonderful artist. I am sure he is really sick of my whining and crying but damn! it hurt!
I think that learning how to deal with that intense pain is a good thing. He got a new gun for tattooing and it was really nice.
It hardly makes any noise. I did notice that my skin was much more "welty" than previous tattoos but maybe that is because I let him tattoo me for 3hours.
Thanks Axis.
pix to follow. this site takes too long to upload pictures.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Pictures of my tattoo



The first one was just the line work. After about 1hr and 45min I was crying. Especially hurt in the middle.
The next one is some color. That hurt too but not as much.
Sunday I am having some more color added.
Ciao for now

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Well I'm working.....

I got a part time job working Mon, Friday and Thurs at a vegi-comfort food place. Its call Vita cafe. Its on 30th and Alberta.
I went in for a line cook postion but knowing how much cooking stresses me out we talked about doing dishes instead.
I am grateful I will have some money to live on now.
Ciao for now

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Updates on job search and letting my cat go.....

Well, things are looking up in the job search. I had an interview yesterday at Great Harvest Bread. It is downtown in the Yamhill Market Place. I also noticed this morning a posting on craigslist for the Cup & Saucer Cafe. It would be nice to work there as it is close to home and they have such good food and the people who work there are my kind of people. Of course I would want to work at the Killingsworth location. I also just got a call from Vita Cafe on Alberta. Not my kind of place really but I am going in tomorrow night to talk to the chef about some part time hours......I hope the place I get work is either the bakery or Cup & Saucer. Spirit will choose the right one for me.

On a sadder note.......
Well, Mei has been sick for a long time. It has come to the point where she needs medication everyday. Something I can't afford and just don't have the energy for.
Tomorrow Mei will be traveling to her next life. Please say prayers for Mei that she won't be scared, that she has no kitty anger or confusion around moving on. That it is an easy transition for her.
Mei is the sweetest cat I have ever met. She is so loving and cuddley. When I first met Mei last year she put her paw in the air sort of waving it and then touched her face with her paw. She really knows how to talk to people with out using her voice. She usually saves that for when she wants in.
Please say prayers for me, that I am doing the right thing for her and not just solving a problem. That I will be able to stay with her as she journeys on, that I can bury her in a good and gentle way.
She has been with me since February 2007 when I adopted her from a previous employer. She is 12 or 13 yrs old.
Just to let you know, I have thought of taking her to the human society, I even printed out the Cat Questionare. I could tell with all the questions that Mei would not be adoptable. Ideally she should have gone to a home with no other cats...


I wish I could find my data stick so I could post pictures. I know this post is a repeat for some of you but thanks for reading.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Plugging away

All back now and trying to figure out what I want for a job. Trouble is I only know how to work in a kitchen and let me tell you,
I am ready for a change.
I am praying for a job that is supportive of my recovery, is some where that is meaningful work. Something I can easily give my energy to......like.......farming or working with queer youth.
hmmmm. maybe i ought to look into that deeper.

lately i have been studying with Leo Sunshine ( dvhdesigns@gmail.com) to work with stones. Cutting, polishing and finishing.
Mostly I have just been helping him move stuff and clean stuff. Need to learn the basics before I actually start grinding things to sell. I am excited to be learning lapidary. Check out http://stores.ebay.com/DVHdesigns?refid=store if you would like to look at some of his beautifal stones and cuttings.

Tomorrow I am going to take Isaac up to see gramma. Lately I have been in contact with my brother and took him to go see gramma a couple of days ago.

Lots of stuff going on.
Blessings
Roran

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Ch-cha-changes.....facing the strain

Wow. Naraya was such a good experience for me.
And here I am trying to incorporate the things I prayed for into my life.
Such as reconnecting with my spirtual self and healing the rift between the feminane and masculine that lives within me.

SO far I have been remembering to smudge in the morning but not able to meditate. SOon I hope.

As far as the rift......I realize that the division lay in my own honoring of my two selves.
and I realize that doing the work and taking chances are part of the joy of living. And yet I often wonder why work is so hard.
Why it always leads to things being complicated. And yet through that all I know I am doing the right things for myself. That I continue to grow and become something other than what I have been in the past. That I continue to be real with myself and what is good for me and what is not.

Today has been one of reflection, sadness and determination.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

तत्तूइंग एंड ट्रांस्फोर्मेशन

so the title is tattoing and transformation. i am not sure why it's in an indian dialect.
but i am about to be tattooed and it is related to my going to Naraya at Wolf Creek and my upcoming changes.
Pictures as soon as I can figure out how to upload them

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Today I created this blog.

I hope to use this as a way for people to find out what is going on with me and also to just post my random thoughts.