Things are getting better in my world.

That includes work and my depression. I started taking anti depressants again and that seems to be working. Now if I could only get and stay asleep!! 4hours of sleep is just not enough. 'Specially with the work I do.
I recently realized that part of my depression has to do with just how messed up the world is. Instead of wondering what was wrong with me I just accepted it and moved on. Its helped a lot.
I still feel pretty distant from my community. But I really do need to take care of myself first.
I went to a S.M.R.Y.C. volunteer orientation last week. I need to wait for the background check to come back before I commit any more time. I have a suspicion I have an old bicycle ticket from Berkeley that may mess it up.
Ciao for now

Feeling lazy and restless....

How is that possible? I find myself feeling frisky with no outlet.
grrr. dreaming of something I have never experienced. okay time to be a bit naughty.

dreams and half remembered 'mares.....

they all blend together at some point. i remember flying, the muscles in my back flexing to the movement of wings, realizing i was flying and spiraling down in to the ground. The pitbull barking like mad trying to snap and bite.

i remember a great tunnel, swirling grey and white. At the end an eye peering at me. one of my daemons looking for me. the same creature, wandering through a forest of dense trees. wandering, alone and bitter for many long times. two different dreams.

i remember looking at her from far off, another lover in her arms. some one she knows.

i remember falling into nothing. the vast emptiness. my suit not working. falling away from planets and stars.

dreams are seeds for fantastic stories.

excerpts from books i have read

'you have to live deliberately. you can't just sleepwalk throughout life hoping that someday you'll get around to doing what you really want to do.
that someday you'll realize your dreams. living always has to start from now.
*dream your dreams. you have dreams to look forward to. with them your soul will bloom."*
justina robinson ( *'s are mine, changed the wording a bit)

'one of those moments had arrived: Jack had been presented with the opportunity to be stupid in some way that was much more interesting than being shrewd would have been" neal stephenson

'for he has no humor boy. he does not see that we all do what we must to survive, some laugh, some cry, some bang the world with fists,some run.
but it all sums up the same: they make do.'
ray bradbury

'our greatest glory consists not in never falling down, but in rising in every time we fall'
ralph waldo emerson or Confucius

no subject

i read recently that if you want to be a writer then just write......

bleh. bleh bleh bleh. reading a lot. watching movies on my computer.
no one sent me an email about my birthday. screw you. who cares? the only people who said happy birthday to me were my girlfriend and my roommate.

hey what are friends for? i even dropped hints. i don't think i have friends. no one calls or wants to hang out. i am tired of always showing up on their doorsteps looking to hang out...but i want friends to do things with. go places. watch movies.

love you but you all are so wrapped up and busy with your lives. no one at a certain house i used to live in calls me....
i want friends who mean more than an occasional hug.

love you
love, me

wait a minute.........

did i say awkward? no actually i am not good at communicating.
sometimes i just flake out and don't call or can't come up with a concrete feeling or simply am just not able to be there. that's a human being for ya!

all i could do last night was repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over again at work. the new guy(not me) is training the new guy and the way i saw it was someone is out of there so i asked my boss if he was going to fire me and and he looked at me and said in that accent he has -you crazy?- I nodded my head yes, of course........

okay, so it feels good that he likes my work but now i need to work on social skills at work. some environments its just easy, others it's not.....now that is awkward.
stupid me i told someone i don't know that well that i was trans and now i wonder why some workers won't even look at me or say good morning although they do to the guy right across from me. invisible hurts.

TOOOOO HOT!!!!! Too hot! too hot! can't sleep in my room for work, sunside in the afternoon, no insulation in my room. i asked my roommate about it and was told i would have to move out of my room for that to happen. I understand, but what a drag. too hot! TOO HOT! too hot! maybe i will just make a nice cool bed in the basement....:-)

exercise helps but still depressed......

Managing things.........

Started working out with a personal trainer last week on Friday. Except for the day I didn't have an exercise ball I have been doing it everyday. An acquaintance of mine is moving out of town today and she gave me a really nice exercise ball. Thanks A.!
I am really committed to feeling better. I think exercise will help a lot. Not just me either, I am sure it is good for everyone.

I saw a wonderful video of Isaac's first time at the beach. When I watched it, it brought tears to my eyes as his joy was so beautiful. Thanks S.W.! and M.K.!

My new job has been challenging. I want to share my experience but it is not wanted or recognized. Okay......don't know what to say. Not going to give tips? No, that would be not good for me in some way.

Been feeling bad about not being able to be present with parts of my community. I am learning how to vocalize when I need to take care of myself.....it is not difficult but awkward.

Not much else I can write about without completely sharing too much on this page.
ciao for now

Welcome to September

Here is a sky chart for Sep 2008. Not sure what region.
Also a picture from a calender for September.

GO VIRGOS!!

Rainy morning...and evening too.

does any one besides me feel manipulated when someone cries? I know it all depends on the circumstances but I feel that way a lot. I am tired of it. F-ing grow up is what I want to say but don't because I don't want to be a total asshole. Get over it. In 6months or so my work schedule will change and then.....well who knows?

My roommate has been gone to burning man for 2weeks and she is due back tomorrow. I have enjoyed having the house to myself. Now I really want to live alone! Really must get on that Ready to Rent class.
I have been taking care of her two cats, Camille and Rascal. Today I emptied the kitty box and that brand she uses is absolutely disgusting.
Wheat-something. Its compost-able. Its GROSS! I use Pine for my kitty and it doesn't smell or clump up to look like vomit.

Well I need to get some batteries for my camera so I can post more photos. I love my blog. It is a lot of fun.
ciao for now