A converation I had recently.....

...has lead me to the understanding that no matter how much I want something, how much I push, that those that are older and wiser than me will know if and when the time is right.

I just don't think sometimes.
I give away the things I love.
Almost every time. The things/people/memories to cherish.

Why?

Should I wall away? Hunker down?
Wait a while longer, the gypsy said to me.

Conserve.

My heart grows bitter and I sit alone,
obsessing on could be, might have been.

Stop! I say. Stop this spiral.

Is this what middle age means to someone with my experiences?
My life spans before me.

Like a truck with bad axles, I shiver and moan.
Jolting from side to side.
Down the road into the unknown.

What is it I fear?

What is it that keeps my mind from quiet?
My thoughts create my own reality.
I have know this for a long time.

And yet I continue to be the seed that gets planted,
never allowing myself to take root.

How do I change this?

How do I teach myself to thrive?

Googled my name and found this....

And here I thought I made this up myself; There is also supposedly a famous philosopher from Romania named Sorin Cerin.born 1963. Sorin Cerin, Cerin Storms, how odd.

:Note: April 6th, 2010 Just googled the word Bergonian and it says its an island btwn North America and Europe. Hmmmm. Imaginary country..? don't know, never traveled the ocean before


CERIN, the faceless God

Arcan and Icotesi formed a dual god-head-- a "Duinity," in contrast with Christianity's Trinity. But on a deeper level the myths do admit to a sort of Bergonian Trinity, joining Arcan and Icotesi to a third co-equal god-head. This is Cerin, "The Faceless One," "The Concealed," "Silent-God" and "Headless-God." He is said only to exist in the darkness, and hence is Arkan's utter opposite and Icotesi's other consort. The myths ascribe nothing to him, no characteristics, no deeds, no interest or motivation, and utterly uninvolved with the other Gods. But the myths in all versions and renderings make it a point to refer to Cerin with rhythmical regularity.

Cerin most certainly equates with "nothingness" as in both an existentialist and Buddhist sense. Cerin is not remote; he does exist in the world, and indeed is present in every space in every moment. Cerin fills the residual places in space between atoms and particles, and in time between the "moments" where nothing else exists. Cerin fills vacuums and voids, and thus is irresistibly linked to the Abyss, the all-important backdrop to all Shufrantei contemplations of death. Cerin is still and unperturbed. Occasionally in a mythic drama a mythical personage declares that he will abandon his life and "seek out Cerin" or "Cerin's comfort," and then departs the stage.

Cerin has no temples, worship, litany, or presence at all in active religious life, except that in the processions during the Festival of Light a character will walk alone dressed in plain gray robes carrying a large black curtain on a pole. The figure's face is concealed behind a gray mask. No one sings as this character passes, although everyone claps a rhythm to match his step. This figure is Cerin's one appearance in all Shufrantei ritual life.


AND THIS;


The underlying substrate ofthe Cerin Lithographic Limestones


Abstract

The Cerin Lithographic Limestones do not cover a wide area. They correspond to numerous lagoon in-fillings of limited development, within a wide emerged area characterized by sandy (skeletal) limestones mainly of coral origin (Landaize Limestones). At the village of Cerin where an excavation for paleoecological studies is located, the sandy Landaize Limestones provide the lithographic limestone substrate. Their cementation is partly of supratidal and/or intertidal origin, but frequently shows phreatic freshwater features. Finally, microbial cements (bacteria or cyanobacteria) reflect a major process of lithification. The original substrate consisted of grainstones, the top of which was considerably eroded, producing uneven relief with steep slopes and even cliffs, sometimes reaching several metres in height. The erosion processes were probably mechanical in origin, but also biochemical (biokarst) and especially biological (bioerosion by grazing, boring and microbial erosion). Lime mud which produced the lithographic limestones filled the hollows between the substrate reliefs. Around areas where the uneven rocky substrate had steep gradients locally developed gravity flows occur. These are capped with microbial films which are affected by superficial slides showing more or less concentric or complex wavy structures. Locally, true slumps giving rolls and synsedimentary microfolds also occur.
Résumé

Childhood response triggers and modes of a traveling being.

Worth it? Of course it's worth it. I am tired of my emotional past affecting how I respond to my emotional present.

So I am going to totally put this out there in confidence that my intentions are true and that I am working on my issues. Sometimes it just takes me a few days, sometimes a week, to figure them out.

I get discouraged easily. Along with disappointed. I have a hard time finishing projects. It's more than just the physical project. Not that emotions are projects, but its the emotional projects too.
It stems from yet another aspect of my childhood and living with an alcoholic, codependent mother. An absent father, who was also alcoholic and violent. And although the word promise hasn't come up in any of my conversations lately, when people do promise things my first reaction is to not believe them.

My mom moved us around so many times when I was young. I lived in 8 different states before I was 12yrs old. That's not counting the different houses and apartments that I can't remember.
I am grateful that I have those experiences. They have helped me see the world in a way that not many I know have. I am also grateful for the stability I have earned and gained for myself now. I have lived in the same neighborhood for almost 5 years and have only moved twice during that time. A record for me.

I had no stability as a child. Not only moving around so much, but about the time I turned eight, my father magically reappeared from where ever it was that he had been.
Of course they tried to get back together, the end result of me being shuffled off to live with my dad for 6months and my mom for 6 months. That lasted all of about 1 1/2yrs. The end result also the police being called and I removed from my father's life way out there in the snows of Colorado. This would happen again almost exactly between the ages of 11 and 13. This time being in the Alaskan winter with my father.
I can remember several times I ran away from home in the snow to get away from him.

My mom almost left me here when I ran away from coming back from that. My aunt found me at the Rose Festival and off we went to Illinois in a flat nose semi with my Aunt's boyfriend and his son. (Which is the beginning of another chapter of my coping within the institutions and the corn fields of Illinois in 1983-84)

The whole point to this being;
hmmm....what was my point?

oh yeah
my whole childhood response things. not stopping and being still before I blurt things out, taking care of the heart of a child who learned how to survive the best way she could figure out.

It's taken me over 25 years of self examination to even get to this point. I have been asking myself, "Now why did I do that, respond that way?" for about 10 years now.

Being sober I am sure will speed up the process. I have to say that although it's difficult teaching myself not to drink, (switched addictions) it isn't something I'm not capable of. I successfully went out to a club on Sunday and did not drink. And no that is not a pink cloud statement. I am depressed and irritable.
It helped tremendously that I was with a friend who was also not drinking. I don't know if I could have done it without them there.

Key idea here; I can't do it alone.

So how do I find a way to balance my relationships and friendships with people? I can only pray that I realize my limits and limit my expectations. That I not have expectations actually. That is a whole nut to crack by itself!

I never meant to imply that friendships weren't worth the time it takes to be a good and healthy friendship. Or that it couldn't be. There is still a child in me that wants everything now and I am actually trying to figure out how to listen to hear what that child in me in not saying rather than the impatient little voice I know so well. The one that always has to keep moving.

Be still child and let Me hold you.


and....on top of that , (mind you this is some of the irritable part) I have pneumonia. I am surprised they only gave me 5 days of antibiotics. Thank Spirit for people in my life that can help me pay for a doctor, otherwise I would be getting sicker instead of better.

Ritual and Changing my Name

Today is the New Moon.
Today I opened a circle and called the directions and prayed for help with sobrity.
I also changed my working name, my mystical name, my life path name.
Then I closed my circle after thanking the directions.

Being Sick and going through Changes

Lately I have been caught up in a situation that I have come to realize, might not be worth it. I met someone really intense, like me in many ways, older than me. And yet their life is filled with other relationships. It's not that the energy isn't there, it is believe me.

I am just having a hard time waiting. I don't want to wait as they have asked me not to. But how rare is it that I meet someone who moves me in a way I have only had glimmers of?

The old soul part of me knows that we have a connection that goes back more than one or two lifetimes. Sometimes I am afraid of those past lives. It feels like we were magicians or angels and came to disagree. In my mind I see them leaving me standing there, waiting. How many years have I been waiting for them to come back?


on another note; I am so tired of being sick. I have this rattle in my chest and I really think I should go to the doctor because it's lasted for more than a week and I can't stop coughing when I lay to go to sleep.
I can't remember the last time I was so exhausted so easily. Oh wait yes I can....

anyhow...

hopefully someday soon i will start going to meetings...