Commitment..

So lately I have noticed that I am actually quite lazy. It's not a behavior I am liking about myself much.

Here's to thinking of others when I say I am going to do something.

Here's to taking care of myself in a way that is better for my future.

Here's to stopping and thinking first before I do something.

Maybe I over share on my blog?

that's all.....

Maybe it's my outlook?

Lots of mind stuff going on these last few weeks.
Noticing behaviors that I don't like about myself and paying attention when I do them.

Being mindful.

I am learning a lot. mostly about how I move through the world. Now there is a sentence that I have written a lot about in the last year.

Tonight while working my shift at the traveling show someone came up to me and asked me if my name was (enter birth name) and I recognized my cousin Billy whom I haven't seen what seems to be 20years. Maybe he was 18 or 16 or 21 that time I saw him in front of a local underage club. It has been a really long time. I was so surprised and grateful to see him that it brought tears to my eyes. I quickly recovered though and did my job. I hope he wants to be friends.

He was seated in my section and saw me help a client at the show to their seat. HE WAs seAted in My SectioN. Funny how life works.

I also realize I need to pay more attention to the crowd and not the show.
I realized that my first shift. Now that I have worked a few it is easier. Tonight I caught 3 people using their phones to take photos. Yep. NO photos allowed please.

I also need to be more mindful of advice people give me the first time as in the long run they are probably right. (ways to clean up the big top faster)

Mentoring and It's gonna work out......

So, my anxiety talks to me all the damn time. The whole mentoring thing is working out fine I think. We'll see. Its hard for me to trust. I put myself out there. Again and again and again. Most of the time it's rewarding. Like now.

I feel isolated and confused and angry today. Hmmmm. What's the date? April 5th. The only thing I can think of is my first lover's bday. happy birthday Danelle Stelle, where ever you are.

Actually I was fine until I took a nap, I woke up angry. Wonder what I was dreaming?
It's been a long time since I woke up angry. Used to happen all the time. Now that's funny. I never would have thought there would come a time I didn't wake up angry all the time. Just goes to show all my hard work is paying off.

Why the hell do I have two blogs? Oh yeah. One is vanilla and the other isn't.
And yet recently I find that separation annoying as hell. Recently I find that there isn't a separation btwn my Kink life and my "vanilla" life. It is all starting to just be my life.

hmmmmm

How things feel and walking alone isn't working for me...

Last year I asked a friend and someone I respect if they would teach me and take me under their tail. After thinking about it we both decided it didn't feel right and even now I still can't bring myself to go to their house and be myself. It makes me sad and I miss this person very much.

I am sharing this because I recently asked someone to mentor me again. And now that I have asked I wonder if it's the right direction for our friendship. To make such a big deal out of something we already do....hmmmm.


And also, I keep telling myself, berating myself to quit drinking. It has a strong pull on my body and I pray for the humbleness to go to a meeting.