Prayer for Him

So I am off to WC for the Beltane gathering.
It is my intention to honor the feminine within and cherish her.
I pray for letting that love in, to be able to say hello and love her.
I also ask for clarity of vision to see clearly what I am recieving.

That I see the beauty of the bee and the flower,
the rabbits running. And like the bee and flower,
dance the dance of spring.

(not that I want to multiply you see ...only dance....)

That I see the beauty of the bee and the flower,
the rabbits running. And like the bee and flower,
dance the dance of spring. To see the joy of the balance of feminine and masculine.
To call to Him that is also Me.
;-)

Mourning the Great Sitka Tree on Hwy 26

Listening to my inner Voice

Its coming up on May again.
I think about Isaac, what I thought was right.
Missing him home so much I can't even allow myself to see it.

Thinking about his father and feeling pissed off.
Wanting to lay some blame but feeling so lost.

Can't say that I don't think about what life
might have been like.
Feeling relieved by what I thought was right.

What kind of life would we have had?
Knowing how crazy I feel more often than sad.

That's really saying something cause I am sad
all the time.
Tired of blaming myself for someone else's crime.

Aye-ya...Pissed Off

Well, getting ready to go to southern oregon this upcoming week.
can't decide if i am excited or just blah about it.
this happened last year as well. last year i didn't go....

My little kitty....

Wow. ONce again Mei is pretty sick. I posted an ad on CL here and got some interesting replies.
One lady ranted at me about her food, thinking that maybe I fed her purina or something. Totally dressed me down about Mei's food with out asking me what I fed her. Lame.
Another lady said she would pay for a visit to Her vet in Orchards for what Mei needs. Which is an x-ray of her chest and head.
Expensive.....she was serious I think. She has called and emailed me a couple of times....

Yay!. Beltane starts at WolfCreek in 3days! I am soooo excited!

reading up on life....

what?
hmm....its interesting trying to filter what I want to share with the world. sometimes i forget this is a public domain.
not really sure if i want to put filters on...

had a meltdown yesterday.
day before that i danced with a friend...
day before that i was working and thinking about beltaine/beltane.
what is the proper way to spell that anyway?

Good morning!!

another day..begins.

Refuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.

If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.

You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you
from lifting your heart
toward heaven—
only you.

It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this, is not yet listening.

-Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.,
"Refuse to Fall Down"

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting—
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

-Mary Oliver

Live in the present.
Do all the things that need to be done.
Do all the good you can each day.
The future will unfold.
-Peace Pilgrim

123 posts. Hmm. okay...but why am i so sad?

Its been coming on for days now. I thought that my Wellibutrin was supposed to help me with that.
I know there are things that I am avoiding, certain talks that I need to have with people important to me...
and I guess I am doing something wrong cause the part of me that oh-so wants(needs?) to be loved in a way i feel i never have still isn't manifesting....
maybe i am not patient enough?
maybe i am not clear?
I don't know.
All i know is I am sad and not really understanding why....its a cycle i think.....

All I know is i got tattooed again and all i wanted to do was break down and cry.
just release it. but i didn't. i didn't want to intrude on someone else's space or someone's time.....
Trying to find this balance isn't the hardest thing i have ever done,
but it sure it proving more difficult than I thought it would be....

poem....

You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day
cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death,
open your heart wide unto the body of life.

For life and death are one,
even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires
lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like the seeds dreaming beneath the snow
your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams,
for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd
when he stands before the king whose hand
is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling,
that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind
and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing,
but to free the breath from its restless tides,
that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence
shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top,
then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs,
then shall you truly dance.
- kahlil gibran

feeling all kinds of conflicting things....almost at the same time

hungry...not eating...
triggered....missing a certain little boy.....triggered....angry at myself again...
triggered...fantasizing about smashing all the breakable things in my apartment....
can you say manic?
can you say projecting?
can you say needs not getting met?
can you say "Fuck it! Why go halfway?"

@ Lovolution 2009 (me as Thing 3)

SPRING!!!

YAY SUNSHINE! It was so warm last night!
I totally feel spring is coming to Portland finally!

seeking balance