poetic journal?

do i dare go after the thing i want or do i go after the same ole' thing?
should i stay in portland for samhain or go to WC. what do i want any way?

what is it like to be in a social situation that could lead to the plethora of changes percolating in my soul?

scared to get close, even a little bit, to that elder i look up to.
how do you navigate a healthy friendship with someone that triggers you?
(how deep is the trigger?) how do you navigate?

am i swimming or letting the tide take me and rock me? i want to drown in sensation and be driven over the edge.

i want a connection with something larger than myself. leading me out of my paranoid mind and leaving the skills that don't serve, behind me and no longer keeping me held captive to his-tory...history...hi-story.

i want to write and develop the dreams i have into stories that resonate and help You remember some core origin with in yourself.
how do you navigate?

Day of the Dead pictures I like

TODAY'S PRAYER FOR PEACE

Be generous in prosperity and thankful in adversity.
Be fair in thy judgment, and guarded in thy speech.
Be a lamp unto those who walk in darkness,
and a home to the stranger.
Be eyes to the blind,
and a guiding light unto the feet of the erring.
Be a breath of life to the body of humankind,
a dew upon the soil of the human heart,
and a fruit upon the tree of humility.

Baha'i Prayer for Peace

A prayer from Sol Shanti

we pray that you may be your hearts desire as well. may you freely release all things in your life that are blocking your connection to spirit and joyfully embrace these changing times - they are a whirlwind of release, re balance and returning to the center - to the heart of love from which we all came. we love you... may you be blessed with peace joy and love and abundance of whatever you desire to assist you in your transmutation. may the violet fire burn within your hearts minds spirits lands - america - turtle island - gaia and cleanse all energies which strayed from alignment with love - back to source!


Sol is a Naraya Dancer. He and his family need your prayers, pray for things to be seen clearly and for what they really intend. That his friend growing herbal plants be released and charges dropped. That the land they live on continues to thrive.

Thank you.

Mei? you still there?

Yes! Mei is still with me. I was reading some old blogs and realized I hadn't written anything about her in a while. Since she went missing I realize that I can't let her go. I love her too much. She is the best teddy bear(besides Thomas, my first bear)
She is not so sick now. I have been giving her meds. I thought I wouldn't be able to give her meds everyday, but I love her lots.........

Is it worth it? And other news....

Is it worth it? Losing love to be a whole person? Is losing love worth having a life changing experience? Is the transformation I have been seeking since last year worth losing the best relationship I have ever had?
I pray daily that I don't lose my girl to this, but I may have to.
Because yes, being a whole person is worth it. And yes, changing how I interact with the world by giving my control to someone else is worth it.

My reasons for seeking out a "relationship" that allows me to not be in control, to give up the wheel to someone else.......so many layered. I think my right to learn how to yield to someone else was taken from me when I was very young and now I have to actively pursue it in order to....be whole, have my interactions with the world maybe be a bit easier, have the world not be so hard to me in other ways. This is what I hope for. I have a big personality and some times, in my work life, especially I have such a hard time. I don't know how to not take the wheel. I want to learn that. I am tired of driving all the time. I want someone else to drive......
but losing love. i am praying and letting it go right now. It is all I can do.

Other news: Come January 1st 2009 I will be the senior baker where I work. (in my area) The young newlyweds are moving back to Nevada to start a bakery there. Yay!!
I am bummed though, as we were just getting it all smoothed out.
ciao for now

Sometimes I feel like this..........

...its so peaceful looking. and yet am i trapped or just swimming?

I have been gathering documents to present to a background check so that I may volunteer at SMYRC. I understand why they would need one, but gee, it is bringing up a lot of stuff for me. Shame, frustration, grateful not to live that life anymore.

My job is kicking my ass. I often wonder what the hell I am killing myself for. So tired and sore. Makes me grumpy. I stated when I first got that job that I would start going to acupuncture and working out but I haven't done it yet. I know it would make me feel better but I keep procrastinating around it. Plus I am just too tired to cook and shop for food most of the week.

anticipation is making me crazy.

well not really. i found that i jumped the gun and now most of my things are packed and in the garage. still over 2weeks before i move. guess i got excited huh?

trying to figure out if i should just skip going to WC for festival.
i missed Beltane too, so maybe that is why i am anxious to go.....do i really need to go sleep in cold weather, eat lots of legumes and vegetables and stand around the fire gathering the balls to walk back to my camp? i have a feeling it is going to be cold. the weather here in P-town tells me so.
I don't really need to go but i would like it, see friends, wait...do i have friends there? um...i think so....some people have so many "friends" that they forget to write.

TODAY'S PRAYERS FOR PEACE

Pray to whoever you kneel down to:
Jesus nailed to his wooden or marble or plastic cross,
his suffering face bent to kiss you,
Buddha still under the Bo tree in scorching heat,
Adonai, Allah, raise your arms to Mary
that she may lay her palm on our brows,
to Shekinhah, Queen of Heaven and Earth,
to Inanna in her stripped descent.

Hawk or Wolf, or the Great Whale, Record Keeper
of time before, time now, time ahead, pray. Bow down
to terriers and shepherds and siamese cats.
Fields of artichokes and elegant strawberries.

Pray to the bus driver who takes you to work,
pray on the bus, pray for everyone riding that bus
and for everyone riding buses all over the world.
If you haven't been on a bus in a long time,
climb the few steps, drop some silver, and pray.

Waiting in line for the movies, for the ATM,
for your latté and croissant, offer your plea.
Make your eating and drinking a supplication.
Make your slicing of carrots a holy act,
each translucent layer of the onion, a deeper prayer.

Make the brushing of your hair
a prayer, every strand its own voice,
singing in the choir on your head.
As you wash your face, the water slipping
through your fingers, a prayer: Water,
softest thing on earth, gentleness
that wears away rock.

Making love, of course, is already a prayer.
Skin and open mouths worshipping that skin,
the fragile case we are poured into,
each caress a season of peace.

If you're hungry, pray. If you're tired.
Pray to Gandhi and Dorothy Day.
Shakespeare. Sappho. Sojourner Truth.
Pray to the angels and the ghost of your grandfather.

When you walk to your car, to the mailbox,
to the video store, let each step
be a prayer that we all keep our legs,
that we do not blow off anyone else's legs.
Or crush their skulls.
And if you are riding on a bicycle
or a skateboard, in a wheel chair, each revolution
of the wheels a prayer that as the earth revolves
we will do less harm, less harm, less harm.

And as you work, typing with a new manicure,
a tiny palm tree painted on one pearlescent nail
or delivering soda or drawing good blood
into rubber-capped vials, writing on a blackboard
with yellow chalk, twirling pizzas, pray for peace.

With each breath in, take in the faith of those
who have believed when belief seemed foolish,
who persevered. With each breath out, cherish.

Pull weeds for peace, turn over in your sleep for peace,
feed the birds for peace, each shiny seed
that spills onto the earth, another second of peace.
Wash your dishes, call your mother, drink wine.

Shovel leaves or snow or trash from your sidewalk.
Make a path. Fold a photo of a dead child
around your VISA card. Gnaw your crust
of prayer, scoop your prayer water from the gutter.
Mumble along like a crazy person, stumbling
your prayer through the streets.

pray for peace - ellen bass

Yay! MY OWN SPACE!!

I just received word that I will be able to rent a cozy studio here in North Portland.
Not only is it my own space( !!! ) which I have never had, but it is owned by a fairy friend that has helped me out a time or two with a place to stay.
Thank you Spirits!!
(plus i am sure my cat will be much happier when there are not other cats who go around pouncing on her in the middle of the night!)

Finally. Been wanting this for a while.
till next time
RS