Thanks a lot Dad....snaark

I am going to try and not be sarcastic here. Really I am.

I just wanted to say thanks for never sticking around long enough or at all really. You could have taught me so much. Like how to get a real job and keep it. Or how to fight regardless of gender.
Or how to work with my hands creating things. Or how to drink till you were so mad you didn't care who was in your way. Or how to apply for a passport and travel.
Or dare I even say it, like join the fucking military or something. Be a merchant marine. No instead I went the other way and got myself in a whole bunch of trouble.
Do we really choose our parents? Our lessons? Seems like a shitty deal.

I am so much more than what my past is. Th other day I had this realization that at some moment in the future I can stop dissecting my past. I can not even have to think about it. I won't have to justify to myself or anyone else why I am the way I am.

Today i am so angry. Today i woke up in the middle of the night and sent off a 'dick move' email to someone who offered to help me when all i could do was say "What the Fuck?"
Triggered by a someone not being available to me in a way I think I need. BAH!

Well there is this....at least I can figure it out. I can identify my feelings.
Not that makes me any better or different. People stories...all equal.

False Spring

I thought I wrote about this before, I seem to remember a poem in my head....

the tastings of Spring in Portland are false.
the sun was the wrong color for how cold it was outside this time of year.

just my two cents.


here is a quote from one of my favorite places;

The Four Elements

Part I - A Poiesis of Fire

by Jhan Hochman, Working Owner (jhanhoc@gmail.com)

It just snowed in Dallas and it’s melting at the poles and if you’re not emotionally or economically vested in the carboniferous status quo, you might have wondered if the root cause was humanity’s astounding power over fire that, for better and worse, really makes us different from other animals.

To slow planetary meltdown—tepidly called “global warming” and “climate change”—we can try two things (besides killing ourselves as the bumper sticker suggests): embrace fire more as an element and shun fire as the basis of machine energy. Another way to say the same thing is, ignite, build, and nurture domestic fire while phasing out fire in thrall to the Machine (Technology) linked to the combustibles grids of petroleum, natural gas, and electricity.

It’s easy! And Alberta Cooperative Grocery can help!

Firing up: ACG doesn’t sell woodstoves, ecological fire logs, lanterns, or oil lamps but it does offer matches, candles (bees’, palm, and soy wax votives, tea lights, and tapers), and incense. Tapers work for tasklight, votives (in well-fitting holders) for ambiance and navigating furniture and dark furry housemates, and both candles and incense are more apt to be used if a matchbox is right nearby.

Powering down: ACG doesn’t stock pressure cookers, dimmer switches, crank blenders, clothes lines, or solar flash lights and radios, but it does sell longer-lasting, high-spectrum bulbs, steel water bottles, shower regulators (to reduce hot water use), and hand-crank coffee grinders (soon to be had only at http://www.camanocoffeemills.com/); not to mention recycled t.p. and totes that save production energy, bulk items that save processing and packaging energy, and local products that save transport energy.

Even if fire isn’t a living thing, it might be better to treat it like it were, i.e., with more respect. We just need a new fire zeitgeist, one drawing us nearer to actual fire as flashing (light), flaming (spectacle), and warming (heat), and, at the same time, turning us off to fire sacrificed on the grid, its “life” drained and desecrated every time a switch is flipped, button pushed, or trigger pulled. Inflammatorily and poetically speaking, that is.

my own small world

i realize today as i sat in my chair contemplating my dreams and feeling the cold try and fight its way into my sinus that my world is very small.

i don't go out much except to the same things i been going to for years. i don't volunteer, i am not working, i don't own a TV, although i do own a computer....
how odd to not be in a class of some kind or another....

my eyes feel like they are opening and i am drawn out ward from myself.

after the long months of winter and solitude my eyes open and i feel renewed and interested once more.

sometime i wonder about the way we/i live out our/my lives in our/my single cell worlds....

i am coming out of my depression and into myself

it is not a temporary thing. i feel the sands changing. i feel the poet in my heart once more.

i feel the kindling of heart fire, of life.

i only pray that i lose my expectations, that my desire doesn't drive them from me.

that my hopes are met at the door and if they are not, that i am not bitter.

i want to be a good human and not crazy. i want to be a good creature and find strength in numbers.


i am aware that i can't always get what i want....i am not so selfish that i don't see....

i might just be making it worse and driving the thing i want so much from me.

i am not foolish.

Exactly what are you tired of....?

Tired.
how much energy does it take to negotiate each and every encounter?

tired.
how much energy does it take to fight off the voice that only wants to curl up
and never get out of bed?

Tired.
how much energy does it take to say the truth instead of saying what they expect
when they ask me 'How are you?"

tired.
how much energy does it take to keep moving? to keep pulling up my boot straps?

I have been doing this since i was like 5yrs old or something. the first time i left my mothers house i was in preschool. it's no wonder i am tired...

Therapy....

So the sliding scale clinic that I have been going to is closing this week and I just had my last appointment with my therapist of over 2 years.

I am really anxious about it as things have been quite intense for me lately.
Where will I go when I need to talk to someone who isn't going to judge me or talk to someone I don't have a relationship with? ( i still haven't met someone who i can share everything with, but who does really?)

gaw! i am anxious about this!

Happy Birthday Poppy.

I finally lit a candle. well actually i lit a candle and then remembered that it was my fathers birthday. so the candle is for him.

i played the bad guy...

Last night i helped a friend with an interpretive dance piece they did and it was a pretty powerful message.
tempted by a love unhealthy, she falls to pieces and then finds herself to listen to inner voice, get up, tempted by money, she wants it so bad that she falls to her knees and licks the boot of the money clown, and last she is lost in her own self reflection and only hears the voices inside. later after this last piece she gets up again, love tempts her and she says no, her heart is good, tempted by money at first she takes it and then gives it back, then when the mirror is out instead of listening to inner daemon she takes the mirror from him and loves herself.

it was hard being the daemon of love, money and self esteem.
it reminded me of parts of my own life mostly...

and then it was over and i felt good. my friend and i burned some sage after our time on stage. to clear the air between us and that reality. it was my favorite part.

Now.

Last thursday my birth son broke his arm. His left arm. The night before that happened i did a ritual cutting on My left arm. Coincidence?

tonight i sent an apology to someone via text message. later the same night i saw that person. had not seen him for months. coincidence?

everything is energy. don't forget your intention.

I added a new song on my playlist. its called the Flower Duet. that song and the Hunger are from the movie "the Hunger" with David Bowie, Susan Sarandon and Christine DeNue. (spelling?) one of my top five favorite movies.

ah Spirit. just for the record. i miss it. And only You know what it is. and that is the way it should be.

Kicked in the ass can be a good thing

So, someone recently rattled my cage and it has propelled me into action! i love it when life happens that way. I find if I look at things that seem at first to be a negative thing i can turn it around and find the opportunity to make change.
Thank you NWCBB! Now i can move forward again!

My life so far...

i go through my days lately in some kind of fog. i slide further and further into complacency and apathy. my friendships are neglected.

and now i have some motivation. i made my first piece of art in a long time recently. it's call 'Potential Suicide' i can't even remember the last time i expressed myself that way.

its all too much. i shouldn't be writing this on an anonymous blog on the internet.
it should be in my journal.

i feel i will step out of the cyber world soon....