Just Living

Today I got an email from someone that I haven't seen in over 10yrs. I actually have been searching for them online for some time. I emailed someone I thought might know them, and guess what? It was her!

In 1998 or so ABC PrimeTime contacted me because when I was 19 Diane Sawyer interviewed me because I was a street kid hanging out in Paranoia Park. I don't remember this ever happening even though its on tape and I have watched it several times.

Severn saved my life once. I was all twacked out in Las Vegas and really sick. She pulled some strings and got me a plane ticket home. I owe my life to many, but Severn Sandt and Randy Heide are the two I remember.


I start my pre apprenticeship classes on the 11th. I think I am going to be a heavy equipment operator or some sort of Green Building Tech. Not sure yet.

I finally got my driver license. That was particularly amazing to me.

I have been depressed often, still held back by the local bootblack community (fuck you Dylan, I did my best, and continue to do the right thing and you still treat me like shit) Passive-aggressive I know, but he wont take my calls or return my emails.

I continue to be thankful.

Tomorrow is solstice and I get to see iZuke, my son. The main reason I am alive today.

life IS good!

so much stuff going on.

Goblyn Coffee at the Star E Rose every sunday from 12-4pm

Looking for a job. Thinking of moving in with a friend.

Bootblacking again at monthly venues!

Friends who all smell oh so yummy.

Utopia by Brenden Perry

I feel greater then the sum of all my parts
A domestic beast with a hairy Heart's
Trapped within a walled suburbia

I found my taste is somewhat underground
Between the shadows and the cracks
I’m building my Utopia

I need to beak free from all that binds
That makes me old before my time
In this world of Dystopia

My love is like a bright guiding light
Shining in the darkness of the night
The star of my Utopia

In the motion of the sea
in the air that we breath
Can you feel me?

In the stars and in the trees
In the song of the bees
Can you hear me?

Caged, golden memories
Time has come to show your true feelings
I know it’s the only way to be
When the same old feelings come over me

I feel greater of all the sum of all my parts
A space jockey from a distant star marooned upon Dystopia

I found my taste is somewhat underground
Between the shadows and the cracks
I’m building my Utopia

In the motion of the sea
In the air that we breath
Can you feel me?

In the stars and in the trees
In the song of the bees
Can you hear me?

fire and water

Emerging waves of change.
Recognizings prayers and soul work manifestations.
Water and Fire together.
A new birth of self.

Home again

Well, it took me two days back till fall into the habit of waking up at noon.

After my time on Short Mountain I think I prefer getting up when the light is bright enough to wake me up.
It was over a month ago that I arrived, each night at Be's house a silent blessing.
The hundreds and thousands of chattering bugs in the forest, the Hoot Owl, with his many songs, not far up the ridge.

These are the sounds that lulled me to sleep for three weeks. Then I came to the Sanctuary and felt out the energy on each ridge deciding where to camp.

I wish I had photos to share. Sadley my cameras memeory card failed due to user error. That company doesn't make 'Smart Media' cards any more. Nor can you find them on the web except on Ebay with the disclaimer that the card might not actually work once its in my hands.

So I left it in the Goat Boutique with the warning that it only had 1 photo of memeory on it.
Maybe someone else will want to take the risk of cost and shipping.

My Gathering at Short Mountain was full of bold surprises on my part and also sweetness. Something that has been elusive in the past at other gatherings.

I learned how to milk a goat. Several people here in PDX have told me that when they
were kids they milked goats and some of my exicitment leaves me. And yet it is my experience and it quickens my heart somewhat to think of those goats and how I had to be careful of their social order least I be challenged to a duel.

I made friends in those rocky hills. I fell in love with the smaill farms and the twisty roads. Those chickens and their eggs each day. I saw lightening bugs for the first time in my life and also walked the ridge trails from farm to farm.

I think if I go back I will remember what it is to work hard and love much.

Looking for my Father/מחפשים את אבא שלי

Hello, I am looking for my father. He moved to Israel from the US about 8yrs ago with his partner, Anat Moses.
His name is Steven Thomas Hatfield. He used to work for Intel and helped build the Intel site there in or near Tel Aviv.

If you know of him or can get in touch with him, please send him the link to this post.
I just miss him and want to know if he is still alive.

Thank you
C.Roxanne Hatfield


על לפני 8yrs שלו עם שותף, ענת משה.
שמו הוא סטיבן תומס hatfield. הוא השתמש לפעול למען איטל ועזרו לבנות את שער אינטל שם או בסמוך תל אביב.
אם אתם יודעים אותו או לקבל בקשר עם אותו, נא לשלוח אותו הקשר הזה פוסט.
אני רק מפסידים אותו רוצה לדעת אם הוא עדיין בחיים.
תודה רבה לכם
סי. roxanne hatfield

Ha!

The miasma is already leaving! It's really my own mind that keeps me. My belief.

These last five years of not living the way that was so much apart of my life from 15 to 35 have been rewarding, challenging, shaken not stirred....

On July 18th I will have 5yrs clean. I am not currently sober. Clean being drugs and sober being alcohol. Well I haven't drank since Satyr-day and today is Wednesday.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my name changes. Trying to re-invent myself is not working....so maybe its time to stop doing that and remembering who I was before all that mess started.

People can't do it for me, things and experiences can't do it for me. Mentors can't do it for me. They don't touch me....nothing touches me lately except pain in my spirit, in my heart. I put myself in the path of what I know will get through to me and still I am unfulfilled.

No one can do it but me and I have no idea what I am doing....

Commitment..

So lately I have noticed that I am actually quite lazy. It's not a behavior I am liking about myself much.

Here's to thinking of others when I say I am going to do something.

Here's to taking care of myself in a way that is better for my future.

Here's to stopping and thinking first before I do something.

Maybe I over share on my blog?

that's all.....

Maybe it's my outlook?

Lots of mind stuff going on these last few weeks.
Noticing behaviors that I don't like about myself and paying attention when I do them.

Being mindful.

I am learning a lot. mostly about how I move through the world. Now there is a sentence that I have written a lot about in the last year.

Tonight while working my shift at the traveling show someone came up to me and asked me if my name was (enter birth name) and I recognized my cousin Billy whom I haven't seen what seems to be 20years. Maybe he was 18 or 16 or 21 that time I saw him in front of a local underage club. It has been a really long time. I was so surprised and grateful to see him that it brought tears to my eyes. I quickly recovered though and did my job. I hope he wants to be friends.

He was seated in my section and saw me help a client at the show to their seat. HE WAs seAted in My SectioN. Funny how life works.

I also realize I need to pay more attention to the crowd and not the show.
I realized that my first shift. Now that I have worked a few it is easier. Tonight I caught 3 people using their phones to take photos. Yep. NO photos allowed please.

I also need to be more mindful of advice people give me the first time as in the long run they are probably right. (ways to clean up the big top faster)

Mentoring and It's gonna work out......

So, my anxiety talks to me all the damn time. The whole mentoring thing is working out fine I think. We'll see. Its hard for me to trust. I put myself out there. Again and again and again. Most of the time it's rewarding. Like now.

I feel isolated and confused and angry today. Hmmmm. What's the date? April 5th. The only thing I can think of is my first lover's bday. happy birthday Danelle Stelle, where ever you are.

Actually I was fine until I took a nap, I woke up angry. Wonder what I was dreaming?
It's been a long time since I woke up angry. Used to happen all the time. Now that's funny. I never would have thought there would come a time I didn't wake up angry all the time. Just goes to show all my hard work is paying off.

Why the hell do I have two blogs? Oh yeah. One is vanilla and the other isn't.
And yet recently I find that separation annoying as hell. Recently I find that there isn't a separation btwn my Kink life and my "vanilla" life. It is all starting to just be my life.

hmmmmm

How things feel and walking alone isn't working for me...

Last year I asked a friend and someone I respect if they would teach me and take me under their tail. After thinking about it we both decided it didn't feel right and even now I still can't bring myself to go to their house and be myself. It makes me sad and I miss this person very much.

I am sharing this because I recently asked someone to mentor me again. And now that I have asked I wonder if it's the right direction for our friendship. To make such a big deal out of something we already do....hmmmm.


And also, I keep telling myself, berating myself to quit drinking. It has a strong pull on my body and I pray for the humbleness to go to a meeting.

A converation I had recently.....

...has lead me to the understanding that no matter how much I want something, how much I push, that those that are older and wiser than me will know if and when the time is right.

I just don't think sometimes.
I give away the things I love.
Almost every time. The things/people/memories to cherish.

Why?

Should I wall away? Hunker down?
Wait a while longer, the gypsy said to me.

Conserve.

My heart grows bitter and I sit alone,
obsessing on could be, might have been.

Stop! I say. Stop this spiral.

Is this what middle age means to someone with my experiences?
My life spans before me.

Like a truck with bad axles, I shiver and moan.
Jolting from side to side.
Down the road into the unknown.

What is it I fear?

What is it that keeps my mind from quiet?
My thoughts create my own reality.
I have know this for a long time.

And yet I continue to be the seed that gets planted,
never allowing myself to take root.

How do I change this?

How do I teach myself to thrive?

Googled my name and found this....

And here I thought I made this up myself; There is also supposedly a famous philosopher from Romania named Sorin Cerin.born 1963. Sorin Cerin, Cerin Storms, how odd.

:Note: April 6th, 2010 Just googled the word Bergonian and it says its an island btwn North America and Europe. Hmmmm. Imaginary country..? don't know, never traveled the ocean before


CERIN, the faceless God

Arcan and Icotesi formed a dual god-head-- a "Duinity," in contrast with Christianity's Trinity. But on a deeper level the myths do admit to a sort of Bergonian Trinity, joining Arcan and Icotesi to a third co-equal god-head. This is Cerin, "The Faceless One," "The Concealed," "Silent-God" and "Headless-God." He is said only to exist in the darkness, and hence is Arkan's utter opposite and Icotesi's other consort. The myths ascribe nothing to him, no characteristics, no deeds, no interest or motivation, and utterly uninvolved with the other Gods. But the myths in all versions and renderings make it a point to refer to Cerin with rhythmical regularity.

Cerin most certainly equates with "nothingness" as in both an existentialist and Buddhist sense. Cerin is not remote; he does exist in the world, and indeed is present in every space in every moment. Cerin fills the residual places in space between atoms and particles, and in time between the "moments" where nothing else exists. Cerin fills vacuums and voids, and thus is irresistibly linked to the Abyss, the all-important backdrop to all Shufrantei contemplations of death. Cerin is still and unperturbed. Occasionally in a mythic drama a mythical personage declares that he will abandon his life and "seek out Cerin" or "Cerin's comfort," and then departs the stage.

Cerin has no temples, worship, litany, or presence at all in active religious life, except that in the processions during the Festival of Light a character will walk alone dressed in plain gray robes carrying a large black curtain on a pole. The figure's face is concealed behind a gray mask. No one sings as this character passes, although everyone claps a rhythm to match his step. This figure is Cerin's one appearance in all Shufrantei ritual life.


AND THIS;


The underlying substrate ofthe Cerin Lithographic Limestones


Abstract

The Cerin Lithographic Limestones do not cover a wide area. They correspond to numerous lagoon in-fillings of limited development, within a wide emerged area characterized by sandy (skeletal) limestones mainly of coral origin (Landaize Limestones). At the village of Cerin where an excavation for paleoecological studies is located, the sandy Landaize Limestones provide the lithographic limestone substrate. Their cementation is partly of supratidal and/or intertidal origin, but frequently shows phreatic freshwater features. Finally, microbial cements (bacteria or cyanobacteria) reflect a major process of lithification. The original substrate consisted of grainstones, the top of which was considerably eroded, producing uneven relief with steep slopes and even cliffs, sometimes reaching several metres in height. The erosion processes were probably mechanical in origin, but also biochemical (biokarst) and especially biological (bioerosion by grazing, boring and microbial erosion). Lime mud which produced the lithographic limestones filled the hollows between the substrate reliefs. Around areas where the uneven rocky substrate had steep gradients locally developed gravity flows occur. These are capped with microbial films which are affected by superficial slides showing more or less concentric or complex wavy structures. Locally, true slumps giving rolls and synsedimentary microfolds also occur.
Résumé

Childhood response triggers and modes of a traveling being.

Worth it? Of course it's worth it. I am tired of my emotional past affecting how I respond to my emotional present.

So I am going to totally put this out there in confidence that my intentions are true and that I am working on my issues. Sometimes it just takes me a few days, sometimes a week, to figure them out.

I get discouraged easily. Along with disappointed. I have a hard time finishing projects. It's more than just the physical project. Not that emotions are projects, but its the emotional projects too.
It stems from yet another aspect of my childhood and living with an alcoholic, codependent mother. An absent father, who was also alcoholic and violent. And although the word promise hasn't come up in any of my conversations lately, when people do promise things my first reaction is to not believe them.

My mom moved us around so many times when I was young. I lived in 8 different states before I was 12yrs old. That's not counting the different houses and apartments that I can't remember.
I am grateful that I have those experiences. They have helped me see the world in a way that not many I know have. I am also grateful for the stability I have earned and gained for myself now. I have lived in the same neighborhood for almost 5 years and have only moved twice during that time. A record for me.

I had no stability as a child. Not only moving around so much, but about the time I turned eight, my father magically reappeared from where ever it was that he had been.
Of course they tried to get back together, the end result of me being shuffled off to live with my dad for 6months and my mom for 6 months. That lasted all of about 1 1/2yrs. The end result also the police being called and I removed from my father's life way out there in the snows of Colorado. This would happen again almost exactly between the ages of 11 and 13. This time being in the Alaskan winter with my father.
I can remember several times I ran away from home in the snow to get away from him.

My mom almost left me here when I ran away from coming back from that. My aunt found me at the Rose Festival and off we went to Illinois in a flat nose semi with my Aunt's boyfriend and his son. (Which is the beginning of another chapter of my coping within the institutions and the corn fields of Illinois in 1983-84)

The whole point to this being;
hmmm....what was my point?

oh yeah
my whole childhood response things. not stopping and being still before I blurt things out, taking care of the heart of a child who learned how to survive the best way she could figure out.

It's taken me over 25 years of self examination to even get to this point. I have been asking myself, "Now why did I do that, respond that way?" for about 10 years now.

Being sober I am sure will speed up the process. I have to say that although it's difficult teaching myself not to drink, (switched addictions) it isn't something I'm not capable of. I successfully went out to a club on Sunday and did not drink. And no that is not a pink cloud statement. I am depressed and irritable.
It helped tremendously that I was with a friend who was also not drinking. I don't know if I could have done it without them there.

Key idea here; I can't do it alone.

So how do I find a way to balance my relationships and friendships with people? I can only pray that I realize my limits and limit my expectations. That I not have expectations actually. That is a whole nut to crack by itself!

I never meant to imply that friendships weren't worth the time it takes to be a good and healthy friendship. Or that it couldn't be. There is still a child in me that wants everything now and I am actually trying to figure out how to listen to hear what that child in me in not saying rather than the impatient little voice I know so well. The one that always has to keep moving.

Be still child and let Me hold you.


and....on top of that , (mind you this is some of the irritable part) I have pneumonia. I am surprised they only gave me 5 days of antibiotics. Thank Spirit for people in my life that can help me pay for a doctor, otherwise I would be getting sicker instead of better.

Ritual and Changing my Name

Today is the New Moon.
Today I opened a circle and called the directions and prayed for help with sobrity.
I also changed my working name, my mystical name, my life path name.
Then I closed my circle after thanking the directions.

Being Sick and going through Changes

Lately I have been caught up in a situation that I have come to realize, might not be worth it. I met someone really intense, like me in many ways, older than me. And yet their life is filled with other relationships. It's not that the energy isn't there, it is believe me.

I am just having a hard time waiting. I don't want to wait as they have asked me not to. But how rare is it that I meet someone who moves me in a way I have only had glimmers of?

The old soul part of me knows that we have a connection that goes back more than one or two lifetimes. Sometimes I am afraid of those past lives. It feels like we were magicians or angels and came to disagree. In my mind I see them leaving me standing there, waiting. How many years have I been waiting for them to come back?


on another note; I am so tired of being sick. I have this rattle in my chest and I really think I should go to the doctor because it's lasted for more than a week and I can't stop coughing when I lay to go to sleep.
I can't remember the last time I was so exhausted so easily. Oh wait yes I can....

anyhow...

hopefully someday soon i will start going to meetings...

Thanks a lot Dad....snaark

I am going to try and not be sarcastic here. Really I am.

I just wanted to say thanks for never sticking around long enough or at all really. You could have taught me so much. Like how to get a real job and keep it. Or how to fight regardless of gender.
Or how to work with my hands creating things. Or how to drink till you were so mad you didn't care who was in your way. Or how to apply for a passport and travel.
Or dare I even say it, like join the fucking military or something. Be a merchant marine. No instead I went the other way and got myself in a whole bunch of trouble.
Do we really choose our parents? Our lessons? Seems like a shitty deal.

I am so much more than what my past is. Th other day I had this realization that at some moment in the future I can stop dissecting my past. I can not even have to think about it. I won't have to justify to myself or anyone else why I am the way I am.

Today i am so angry. Today i woke up in the middle of the night and sent off a 'dick move' email to someone who offered to help me when all i could do was say "What the Fuck?"
Triggered by a someone not being available to me in a way I think I need. BAH!

Well there is this....at least I can figure it out. I can identify my feelings.
Not that makes me any better or different. People stories...all equal.

False Spring

I thought I wrote about this before, I seem to remember a poem in my head....

the tastings of Spring in Portland are false.
the sun was the wrong color for how cold it was outside this time of year.

just my two cents.


here is a quote from one of my favorite places;

The Four Elements

Part I - A Poiesis of Fire

by Jhan Hochman, Working Owner (jhanhoc@gmail.com)

It just snowed in Dallas and it’s melting at the poles and if you’re not emotionally or economically vested in the carboniferous status quo, you might have wondered if the root cause was humanity’s astounding power over fire that, for better and worse, really makes us different from other animals.

To slow planetary meltdown—tepidly called “global warming” and “climate change”—we can try two things (besides killing ourselves as the bumper sticker suggests): embrace fire more as an element and shun fire as the basis of machine energy. Another way to say the same thing is, ignite, build, and nurture domestic fire while phasing out fire in thrall to the Machine (Technology) linked to the combustibles grids of petroleum, natural gas, and electricity.

It’s easy! And Alberta Cooperative Grocery can help!

Firing up: ACG doesn’t sell woodstoves, ecological fire logs, lanterns, or oil lamps but it does offer matches, candles (bees’, palm, and soy wax votives, tea lights, and tapers), and incense. Tapers work for tasklight, votives (in well-fitting holders) for ambiance and navigating furniture and dark furry housemates, and both candles and incense are more apt to be used if a matchbox is right nearby.

Powering down: ACG doesn’t stock pressure cookers, dimmer switches, crank blenders, clothes lines, or solar flash lights and radios, but it does sell longer-lasting, high-spectrum bulbs, steel water bottles, shower regulators (to reduce hot water use), and hand-crank coffee grinders (soon to be had only at http://www.camanocoffeemills.com/); not to mention recycled t.p. and totes that save production energy, bulk items that save processing and packaging energy, and local products that save transport energy.

Even if fire isn’t a living thing, it might be better to treat it like it were, i.e., with more respect. We just need a new fire zeitgeist, one drawing us nearer to actual fire as flashing (light), flaming (spectacle), and warming (heat), and, at the same time, turning us off to fire sacrificed on the grid, its “life” drained and desecrated every time a switch is flipped, button pushed, or trigger pulled. Inflammatorily and poetically speaking, that is.

my own small world

i realize today as i sat in my chair contemplating my dreams and feeling the cold try and fight its way into my sinus that my world is very small.

i don't go out much except to the same things i been going to for years. i don't volunteer, i am not working, i don't own a TV, although i do own a computer....
how odd to not be in a class of some kind or another....

my eyes feel like they are opening and i am drawn out ward from myself.

after the long months of winter and solitude my eyes open and i feel renewed and interested once more.

sometime i wonder about the way we/i live out our/my lives in our/my single cell worlds....

i am coming out of my depression and into myself

it is not a temporary thing. i feel the sands changing. i feel the poet in my heart once more.

i feel the kindling of heart fire, of life.

i only pray that i lose my expectations, that my desire doesn't drive them from me.

that my hopes are met at the door and if they are not, that i am not bitter.

i want to be a good human and not crazy. i want to be a good creature and find strength in numbers.


i am aware that i can't always get what i want....i am not so selfish that i don't see....

i might just be making it worse and driving the thing i want so much from me.

i am not foolish.

Exactly what are you tired of....?

Tired.
how much energy does it take to negotiate each and every encounter?

tired.
how much energy does it take to fight off the voice that only wants to curl up
and never get out of bed?

Tired.
how much energy does it take to say the truth instead of saying what they expect
when they ask me 'How are you?"

tired.
how much energy does it take to keep moving? to keep pulling up my boot straps?

I have been doing this since i was like 5yrs old or something. the first time i left my mothers house i was in preschool. it's no wonder i am tired...

Therapy....

So the sliding scale clinic that I have been going to is closing this week and I just had my last appointment with my therapist of over 2 years.

I am really anxious about it as things have been quite intense for me lately.
Where will I go when I need to talk to someone who isn't going to judge me or talk to someone I don't have a relationship with? ( i still haven't met someone who i can share everything with, but who does really?)

gaw! i am anxious about this!

Happy Birthday Poppy.

I finally lit a candle. well actually i lit a candle and then remembered that it was my fathers birthday. so the candle is for him.

i played the bad guy...

Last night i helped a friend with an interpretive dance piece they did and it was a pretty powerful message.
tempted by a love unhealthy, she falls to pieces and then finds herself to listen to inner voice, get up, tempted by money, she wants it so bad that she falls to her knees and licks the boot of the money clown, and last she is lost in her own self reflection and only hears the voices inside. later after this last piece she gets up again, love tempts her and she says no, her heart is good, tempted by money at first she takes it and then gives it back, then when the mirror is out instead of listening to inner daemon she takes the mirror from him and loves herself.

it was hard being the daemon of love, money and self esteem.
it reminded me of parts of my own life mostly...

and then it was over and i felt good. my friend and i burned some sage after our time on stage. to clear the air between us and that reality. it was my favorite part.

Now.

Last thursday my birth son broke his arm. His left arm. The night before that happened i did a ritual cutting on My left arm. Coincidence?

tonight i sent an apology to someone via text message. later the same night i saw that person. had not seen him for months. coincidence?

everything is energy. don't forget your intention.

I added a new song on my playlist. its called the Flower Duet. that song and the Hunger are from the movie "the Hunger" with David Bowie, Susan Sarandon and Christine DeNue. (spelling?) one of my top five favorite movies.

ah Spirit. just for the record. i miss it. And only You know what it is. and that is the way it should be.

Kicked in the ass can be a good thing

So, someone recently rattled my cage and it has propelled me into action! i love it when life happens that way. I find if I look at things that seem at first to be a negative thing i can turn it around and find the opportunity to make change.
Thank you NWCBB! Now i can move forward again!

My life so far...

i go through my days lately in some kind of fog. i slide further and further into complacency and apathy. my friendships are neglected.

and now i have some motivation. i made my first piece of art in a long time recently. it's call 'Potential Suicide' i can't even remember the last time i expressed myself that way.

its all too much. i shouldn't be writing this on an anonymous blog on the internet.
it should be in my journal.

i feel i will step out of the cyber world soon....

why i go crazy

ya know i heard recently that employers where checking out people's blog and facebook accounts before they actually even interviewed them. i wonder if that is legal.

i been on facebook so damn much that i neglect my blog. i blog so much that i actually never write.