"A woman's monthly hormonal cycle is imbued with wisdom. When you suddenly feel teary, pause and consider what moved you. When anger comes, remind yourself that being able to push it down inside is not a gift. Anger unacknowledged and unexpressed produces disease. Anger is energy that is designed to help you identify w...hat you want in life. It mobilizes you with the energy to say "yes" to yourself and "no" to what no longer serves you." - Dr. Christiane Northrup

QueerMagic....crows and crying.

Once again I had a cathartic experience at a gathering.
Someone reached into my heart chakra and moved some stuff around
sobbing ensued....big sounds...deep....

my body feels the same and i been wondering what it was that i had been holding
my perception is a bit different....
might have something to do with making the choice to be happy and to create my own happiness...

someone told me that fear is tied into the ego..
that i should buy a book about dharma...
it felt good so i am going to look into it...

i found a young crow hanging from a fence about a week ago
i only noticed cause of the kitty running across my path.
it was all white except for the tip of its tail which was black
i took the bird to Lone Fir Cemetary...
then the people that were there didn't feel right so
i brought the bird home with me....it rode in my hand while i was
riding my bike. must have been pretty dazed.
i feel bad cause it told me to take it back
and in my desire to hold something wild close to my heart
i probably harmed it in some way. Do crows have family? Do they flock together?

The bird ate some food i put in the yard then hopped into the bushes
and i haven't seen it since. I keep praying that its alive and eating
and no other birds pick on it..i keep praying for it to find its home...

No computer but lots going on

No time to write but life is good....working....having fun...staying safe...

stay tuned

hot and bothered and jobs..

the best thing about the hot weather for me is falling asleep in the afternoons and sweating through dreams that are just short of being actually awake. oh. and sweaty sex. not that i have had any off that recently but oh well i have other things to focus on. like getting a job.
which i did. twice. i was going to work at a bar called crush as a dishperson/barback, but (a i don't really want to work in a bar, (b i got offered a better job at Bridgeport on Hawthorne working in th kitchen.)
so i am blessed and grateful. i was also worried i was going to lose my apartment but i don't think that is going to happen now.
i have not had any customers for boots and feel like i should just not do it. or maybe i should ask someone to train me and be their boy for a bit....don't know.

roran needs a man....random but true.

Bootblacking on Alberta St.

Shoe and Boot Shining on Alberta St. this Thurs.
I will be between 19th and 20th on Alberta St. tomorrow
bootblacking and generally cutting it up.

Also, i won't have regular access to email and computer for a while
so please contact me via telephone 503-875-7097

thanks so much

Things I been up to..

Trying to find work still. I went to an open call interview to day for a small vegan bakery and there were 10 people waiting when I got there and another 10 showed up while I was waiting.
I try not to beat myself up for quitting my job. For having another meltdown. I try not to beat myself up and ask what the F-&*!
That same ole' voice in my head that used to call me a stupid bitch. I am tired of hearing it....

I have been creative in ways to make money. I shined boots last night and cover the coat check. I was asked to come back next month. I sold a dollhouse I was going to fix up to my landlord for him to rebuild for his niece.
I am treading water...

I am helping a friend paint his shop today gratis...
I am staying positive and hopeful.

i miss my cat.
a lot.

check out my new blog

http://www.bootpup.blogspot.com....

thanks

Becoming a Doula

I am excited to say that over the next year or so I will be moving away from the food industry to become an Open Adoption Birth Doula. I am really feeling called to do this. I also realize I will probably need a nutrition certification and some others certifications i haven't thought of yet.

there are ants all over my computer!!! aagh! one just bit me!!

I am sick of food service. it only makes me angry. i will probably have to work with food for at least another year but maybe not.

my girl and i are working it out. i have potential lovers....generally happy except that i had another meltdown and quit my job(again!)

so i am bootblacking to make ends meet...

Spin Control

when my mother died, i didn't really get a chance to say goodbye to her. Same thing with my favorite Aunt, my elders said i was too young to go to Lois's funeral. I think I was 8years old. It would have been sad, but maybe death wouldn't touch me in quite the same way as if i had gone.
i don't know. i am not trying to minimize anyone else's experience. just trying to share my own.

i am sad for Mei. I miss her. i am also glad on a couple different levels. glad she isn't having such a hard time breathing. glad i finally was able to follow through, glad that i was able to say goodbye.

the death of my cat has taught me about gracefully letting go.

it also taught me that i still have a fight or flight response. i don't even have a word for what ever i was responding to.

all i know is that this thought has been following me around, poking at my brain.

i keep telling my self i need to spend time with my intentions for the upcoming Dance, and my head just spins away and my dreams are not remembered.

rS

A Statement...

Jumped Ship and went to Seattle!!

had a really great time at the Folklife Festival.
Got some great photos, will post when i get home.

what the hell am i doing? i hope i find a job when i get back
from Naraya at wolf creek. if i get a job before then i won't be
able to go...and since i ran into someone i know from the dance at folklife
(6000 people and i looked up and she was standing there!)
i think i am supposed to go!!

I choose to have love and humor....

Mei's last moments......

Mei was so passed out in the yard yesterday,....so cute.
the photo of her looking at me is probably the most direct photo i have of her.
Stella Maris took the photo of us on the porch right before we left.
Thank you SM...

I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know....

'nuff said....

"YOU ARE BRILLIANT, AND THE EARTH IS HIRING" -- Paul Hawken

(just a note; i edited a lot of this speech but left sentances intact...)

- Paul Hawken Commencement Address to the Class of 2009
University of Portland, May 3rd, 2009
By Paul Hawken

".......There is invisible writing on the back of the diploma you will receive, and in case you didn’t bring lemon juice to decode it, I can tell you what it says: YOU ARE BRILLIANT, AND THE EARTH IS HIRING. The earth couldn’t afford to send any recruiters or limos to your school. It sent you rain, sunsets, ripe cherries, night blooming jasmine, and that unbelievably cute person you are dating. Take the hint. And here’s the deal: Forget that this task of planet-saving is not possible in the time required. Don’t be put off by people who know what is not possible. Do what needs to be done, and check to see if it was impossible only after you are done.

There is a rabbinical teaching that says if the world is ending and the Messiah arrives, first plant a tree, and then see if the story is true.

Inspiration is not garnered from the litanies of what may befall us; it resides in humanity’s willingness to restore, redress, reform, rebuild, recover, reimagine, and reconsider. “One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice,” is Mary Oliver’s description of moving away from the profane toward a deep sense of connectedness to the living world. Rather than control, it seeks connection.

The living world is not “out there” somewhere, but in your heart.

The first living cell came into being nearly 40 million centuries ago, and its direct descendants are in all of our bloodstreams.

So I have two questions for you all: First, can you feel your body? Stop for a moment. Feel your body.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course........"

~Paul Hawken is a renowned entrepreneur, visionary environmental activist, and author of many books, most recently Blessed Unrest: How the Largest Movement in the World Came into Being and Why No One Saw It Coming. He was presented with an honorary doctorate of humane letters by University president Father Bill Beauchamp, C.S.C., in May, when he delivered this superb speech. Our thanks especially to Erica Linson for her help making that moment possible.

I love my community...

When ever I am feeling out of sorts I usually go for a walk.
I live in a pretty close knit part of town, I often see people I
know and or hang out with.

My ex-girlfriend who works down the street totally offered to go
with me on Monday with Mei. She knows Mei and thinks she is sweet.
(which she is. Absolutely.)

Then I checked my text messages and my neighbor also
offered to go with me.

My girlfriend didn't. She was too busy being mad at
me for making out with flowers....I feel so tricked.
She tells me its okay, and then when I do and tell her
about it (which she has asked for) she gets mad.

But, I do appreciate my friends.....

Gads.....i am so bummed out...
i made The Appointment today for Mei Mei.

its on Monday,the 18th at 5:30pm
if your reading this post,
please hold us in your thoughts that day
and time with gentleness and love
and follow through....

thanks
rS

Mei Mei....

oh man i am having a tough time trying to decide what to do.....

she is so sick right now, been on anti-biotics on and off for a while.
meds not working so good anymore....

i know she is suffering....i can see how hard it is for her to breathe, how
snotty her nose is...

how do you find the strength to do the right thing for someone you love
when you know that person isn't going to be around any more after that?

I know I keep making the "right" choices....

But Damn! I am not having any fun!!
I try not to curse my awareness these days, (not that i am enlightened or anything)
but sometimes it just gets in the way.

I wish I could be as free here in the city as I am on the land. Where everyone knows there are no attachments unless you want them. I am looking forward to the day when I have my own little tribe, and when I need love or snuggling, I can just ask.

I don't want some weird connection with a stranger. I don't want a one night stand.
I want to get to know a person, and if I find that we fit, then I would like to introduce you to my girlfriend and see if she
likes you too. And if we don't fit, well, you can still be my friend, right?

Right?!
People don't know how to be friends if things don't work out. At least that has been my experience.
I want to change that.

I am honest in my intention.
I am asking for what I need.
I am no longer holding resentment.
I am open in my intention and desire.
I am learning how to say what it is i am feeling and thinking.

Thoughts..

So I went to Beltane thinking I was going to do this ritual around honoring my feminine side. I talked to someone about it for a month on and off. We talked about it in the car on the way down.
The funny thing is I didn't have to do a ritual. It just came to me. It still comes to me. I let my self be a woman at the Gathering. And many other parts of myself as well. Today at work the guys flirted with me for the first time so it must show. Its easy to flirt with someone you don't speak the same language with. Or at least that is what i percieved.

Its hard balancing here. I wondered today if in my search for this balance i seek, i wonder if those two selves will stay isolated from each others lives or will it merge into one flow of being?
i talk as though i have two different persons living in me, but its not that. its a way of being and moving through the world.

coming back was difficult the first day after sleeping in my bed. mostly challenges from someone i don't even know. but in reading the prayer list i learned to greet it at the door smiling, that seemed to help somehow.

aren't the colors on this album pretty? l look at them and feel happy.

My birthson Isaac

Please donate to help Mei Mei

So my cat who has chronic sinus issues and breathing problems needs a chest x-ray
in order to determine what the problem is. I have been giving her anti-biotics for the last year or so
dealing with the symptom but not the problem.
I am a working class jane with little money to spare for such an expensive x-ray.
If you would like to make a donation, even if its $5 dollars,

Please call 503-285-7661 and ask to leave an amount for
Rory H. and Mei Mei.
That is the number of my vet here in Portland.
You can donate with your debit card over the phone and it will go directly to the vet.
Or you can stop by if you are in Portland.
Peninsula Dog and Cat
5313 N Interstate/corner of Emerson
Thank you so much in advance.
Blessings to you and yours.

Thoughts and Thanks around Beltane

I was and continue to be so grateful for all we do....

Even before I saw the Land in the day, as we arrived at night, I noticed how clean it felt. The working party crew really did a wonderful job preparing the Sanctuary for the Gathering. Thanks to Emily, Nyna, Sky and Chance for your hard work before the Gathering. If I didn't mention anyone, its because I didn't know you were there.

Thanks to Tink for being the Trash Queen! It was so organized and clean that I didn't really feel a need to do a sculpture to draw attention to our garbage.
It was like a lot of our intentions around what the Gathering should be like as far as trash and stuff got worked out before I even got there. I was pretty focused on my own intentions and I am so grateful that Tink had the trash scene under control. I hope lots of people took home a black garbage bag on their way out.

Thanks go out to everyone in the working ritual circle.
Thanks go out to Free Daddy and Morrigan-less-loss for holding and pouring the sweat lodge.
All the food queens and dishwashers...
The fire tenders, especially Tuni and MAz. All the wood cutters and wood gathers,

Thanks go out to those who made the barn so pretty during the dance parties.
Also thanks go out to those who created space in the back of the barn for people to work things out.

My heart is so full from this gathering. I am so glad I camped around other people!
I am so glad I allowed myself to express the things that I have been holding in my heart!
I continue to feel grateful and full. Although I am a bit worried about transitioning back to the urban world. but thankfully,
I live next door to someone who understands and will gladly give me a hug or head rub when I need one.

with a full Heart and puppy exuberance!
roran_Storms

Some photos from Beltane at Wolf Creek

Prayer for Him

So I am off to WC for the Beltane gathering.
It is my intention to honor the feminine within and cherish her.
I pray for letting that love in, to be able to say hello and love her.
I also ask for clarity of vision to see clearly what I am recieving.

That I see the beauty of the bee and the flower,
the rabbits running. And like the bee and flower,
dance the dance of spring.

(not that I want to multiply you see ...only dance....)

That I see the beauty of the bee and the flower,
the rabbits running. And like the bee and flower,
dance the dance of spring. To see the joy of the balance of feminine and masculine.
To call to Him that is also Me.
;-)

Mourning the Great Sitka Tree on Hwy 26

Listening to my inner Voice

Its coming up on May again.
I think about Isaac, what I thought was right.
Missing him home so much I can't even allow myself to see it.

Thinking about his father and feeling pissed off.
Wanting to lay some blame but feeling so lost.

Can't say that I don't think about what life
might have been like.
Feeling relieved by what I thought was right.

What kind of life would we have had?
Knowing how crazy I feel more often than sad.

That's really saying something cause I am sad
all the time.
Tired of blaming myself for someone else's crime.

Aye-ya...Pissed Off

Well, getting ready to go to southern oregon this upcoming week.
can't decide if i am excited or just blah about it.
this happened last year as well. last year i didn't go....

My little kitty....

Wow. ONce again Mei is pretty sick. I posted an ad on CL here and got some interesting replies.
One lady ranted at me about her food, thinking that maybe I fed her purina or something. Totally dressed me down about Mei's food with out asking me what I fed her. Lame.
Another lady said she would pay for a visit to Her vet in Orchards for what Mei needs. Which is an x-ray of her chest and head.
Expensive.....she was serious I think. She has called and emailed me a couple of times....

Yay!. Beltane starts at WolfCreek in 3days! I am soooo excited!

reading up on life....

what?
hmm....its interesting trying to filter what I want to share with the world. sometimes i forget this is a public domain.
not really sure if i want to put filters on...

had a meltdown yesterday.
day before that i danced with a friend...
day before that i was working and thinking about beltaine/beltane.
what is the proper way to spell that anyway?

Good morning!!

another day..begins.

Refuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.

If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.

You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you
from lifting your heart
toward heaven—
only you.

It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this, is not yet listening.

-Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.,
"Refuse to Fall Down"

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting—
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

-Mary Oliver

Live in the present.
Do all the things that need to be done.
Do all the good you can each day.
The future will unfold.
-Peace Pilgrim

123 posts. Hmm. okay...but why am i so sad?

Its been coming on for days now. I thought that my Wellibutrin was supposed to help me with that.
I know there are things that I am avoiding, certain talks that I need to have with people important to me...
and I guess I am doing something wrong cause the part of me that oh-so wants(needs?) to be loved in a way i feel i never have still isn't manifesting....
maybe i am not patient enough?
maybe i am not clear?
I don't know.
All i know is I am sad and not really understanding why....its a cycle i think.....

All I know is i got tattooed again and all i wanted to do was break down and cry.
just release it. but i didn't. i didn't want to intrude on someone else's space or someone's time.....
Trying to find this balance isn't the hardest thing i have ever done,
but it sure it proving more difficult than I thought it would be....

poem....

You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day
cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death,
open your heart wide unto the body of life.

For life and death are one,
even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires
lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like the seeds dreaming beneath the snow
your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams,
for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd
when he stands before the king whose hand
is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling,
that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind
and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing,
but to free the breath from its restless tides,
that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence
shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top,
then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs,
then shall you truly dance.
- kahlil gibran

feeling all kinds of conflicting things....almost at the same time

hungry...not eating...
triggered....missing a certain little boy.....triggered....angry at myself again...
triggered...fantasizing about smashing all the breakable things in my apartment....
can you say manic?
can you say projecting?
can you say needs not getting met?
can you say "Fuck it! Why go halfway?"

@ Lovolution 2009 (me as Thing 3)

SPRING!!!

YAY SUNSHINE! It was so warm last night!
I totally feel spring is coming to Portland finally!

seeking balance

To clarify...

Someone told me recently that long ago darkness was a construct created out of fear of the Mother, the temples to the Mother were dark, Holy places.....and so in an effort to subvert how the Mother was percieved, fear was generated in relation to Darkeness.

I recently asked to not be afraid of the dark.
And this is what I mean. To not be afraid of the Mother's......

going a little crazy trying to bring in the feminine to my life.

Things always look a bit different in the day time.
And yet the unease in my heart is still there.
The white dots didn't come through.
The feminine still sleeps within me.

WTF?!
Wake UP!

Sadness and anger.

My heart cries.
I lie awake and spin in my brain.
Feels like I'm doing speed again.
The Fear seeps into my soul,
it keeps me from letting go.

I keep remembering things from some other life
All those things didn't happen to me,
Did they?
The hammer falling on the iron, over and over and over and over.....
pounding into my soul.
some forgotten spell.... i heard the words i'm sure
but the spell was one of forgetfulness cast.

And now I return to it.....gnawing at the root.
Open I say!! Open that I may see.

Where is the fucking key?!

But really........

I know I should have read closer........PayPal probably did tell me that money doesn't post for a number of days.
But not in a way that I understood completely.

That's the danger and the lure of convenience.

PayPal SUCKS!

SO I opened up a PayPal account just so I could donate/register for Beltane and I had them take money from my bank account to complete the transaction.
They don't tell you the money doesn't transfer instantly.
SO they took the same amount from my bank account twice!
Not I am in the RED!!!
Stupid online money services!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!